Winklevoss Twins Duped Yet Again, Facebook’s GlobalCoin Conspiracy
Photo Courtesy of GQ.
Last week Gemini founders and perfect human specimens, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss met with Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to discuss partnering on their new revolutionary idea: a way to connect the world’s economy on a centralized Cryptocurrency network completely backed by blind faith the US dollar.
They called their idea the “Gemini Dollar” and their innocent dream was that their cryptocurrency would be used to bank the unbanked and bring economic freedom to developing countries and the world as a whole. For the greater good, they swallowed their pride and met with Mark Zuckerberg, their archnemesis, for the first time in almost 20 years after their falling out to discuss leveraging the world’s largest social network to bring their Gemini Dollar to the world. After all, what were the odds that Mark would fleece them twice?
Apparently very high, because immediately following the meeting at Facebook, the potential partnership with the Gemini Dollar was thrown in the trash, and Zuckerberg announced their newest venture: GLOBALCOIN, a unique and original way to bank on the unbanked, take economic freedom away from developing countries, and most importantly, screw over the Winklevoss for sport.
Photo Courtesy of Jumanji
Following the GlobalCoin announcement our reporters met with Mr. Cameron Winklevoss at his parents’ home where we found Cameron lying solemnly in his childhood bed, sick to his stomach at having been Zucked yet again. Cameron’s mother brought him and our reporters several bowls of her famous chicken noodle soup and gave her son a kiss on the forehead before leaving. “Ah my stupid son,” she whispered lovingly as she closed the door behind her so we could begin the interview.
Our reporters wanted to know one thing: why would the Winklevoss twins be so naïve as to trust Zuckerberg again? After all, didn’t they watch The Social Network?
Photo Courtesy of Gemini
Cameron begrudgingly sat up in bed and began his story.
“After the Facebook lawsuit was settled we decided to travel the world and find ourselves. Our journey led us to Ibitha (sic) where we learned about Bitcoin after Tyler wanted to experiment with MDMA. Our friend recommended we check out the Silk Road and the rest is history. I can honestly say that Tyler wanting to roll with some blondes was the best thing that ever happened to this family. We held on to our Bitcoin, sparked global Cryptocurrency demand, started Gemini, and became billionaires. We had finally caught up to Mark.”
(hint: vengeance)
“Sometime between our second and third Burning Man festival we learned how to practice forgiveness,” the perfect jawline continued. “We wanted to give Mark a second chance. Let’s get this straight – we still didn’t trust him, but for the greater good of humanity, we put aside our differences and met with him to try and bring the Gemini Dollar to the world. Our intentions were pure, we thought our idea would economically unite us all. We didn’t anticipate Mark ripping off our idea again, creating “GlobalCoin,” and weaponizing Cryptocurrency to become the world’s ultimate global surveillance network.”
What did the perfect man just say? The shocking revelation hit our reporters harder than Roger Ver realizing he had ruined his life over Bitcoin Cash. Did the Winklevoss twins unwittingly give Mark Zuckerberg the final piece of the puzzle to his master plan of creating his own digital nation and ruling over his daily active users as a supreme dictator? Would we soon be begging for likes on the street in order to earn a few tokens to feed our families?
The Coin Jazeera investigative team learned with the help of “the documents” obtained by our strategic advisor and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, that with GlobalCoin, “robot lizard person” Mark Zuckerberg would fully complete his transition to God of the New World Order with his four pronged plan.
First, connect the world. Second, record and log his users conversations to feed the AI (himself). Third, install Facebook Portal listening devices in everyone’s homes. And finally, thanks to the Winklevoss twins’ beautiful naivety, total economic control.
Credit to @cryptograffiti
With the power of GlobalCoin, Facebook would now be able to dictate who is allowed to spend money and how they spend it. Mr. Zuckerberg also stole the social credit score system from China, and would monitor users’ social media presence online to determine who is a good citizen and who shills EOS. Eventually cash would be banned and made illegal and barter would be outlawed, forcing everyone onto Facebook’s centralized “walled garden.” Bad citizens and anyone with rational free thought would be blacklisted from participating in Facebook’s new world economy and forced to join the dystopian nomadic tribes still using Ethereum Classic in the gulags.
To better understand the situation Coin Jazeera decided to speak with the creator of GlobalCoin himself. After repeated phone calls our reporters finally got through to the offices of Mr. Zuckerberg and after being screened as a legitimate news organization by his three different assistants, we scheduled a meeting with him for the next day in “The Fishbowl,” a special see-through glass room where Mr. Zuckerberg performs nude calisthenics every morning like the beginning of Die Hard 2.
When we met Mark the next day we had only one question to ask:
“Are you using GlobalCoin and Cryptocurrency to become a God and control the entire world’s economy?”
His answer rocked us to our core.
“Yes. But I’m only doing this to torment Tyler and Cameron. My family has been screwing the Winklevii for generations. Look it up.”
The battle for the free world
He wasn’t lying. Our investigative team uncovered that the Winklevoss and Zuckerberg families have been feuding for generations. It started in Germany hundreds of years ago with handsome twin brothers Jebadiah and Abraham Winklevoss, who had an idea for a content distribution platform that would revolutionize the world. To help them with this monumental task they enlisted the help of local village thief Johannes Gutenberg. After telling the Winklevoss that he would help them build their machine, he went on to steal the idea and build his own, calling it “The Printing Press,” and stealing all the glory. The Winklevoss brothers were so embarrassed they got into their boat and rowed away to start a new life in America. Johannes Gutenberg, upon becoming the world’s richest inventor, realized the only thing that brought joy to his life was stealing from the Winklevoss’ so he followed them to America, changed his last name to Zuckerberg for anonymity, and set up his descendants to troll their family as a tradition for generations to come.
Our reporters couldn’t believe that GlobalCoin, a paradigm shifting technological innovation, a tool that can shape the fate of billions of people’s economic freedom around the world, was being driven by a petty generational family feud that was never resolved between the Winklevoss and the Zuckerbergs.
It is Coin Jazeera’s sincere hope that these families schoolyard fight can be settled before Facebook launches GlobalCoin out of spite and the world turns into a bad episode of Black Mirror.
Where it all began.
UPDATE 7/1/19: Zuckerberg has renamed GlobalCoin to Libra Coin to troll the Winklevoss twins.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
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