White Founder Vitalik Buterin Steps Down from Ethereum Foundation, Replaced by Black CEO

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

Coin Jazeera has just learned that white Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin will be stepping down as CEO of the Ethereum Foundation effective immediately in response to the Black Lives Matter protests. The Ethereum Foundation will be entirely replaced by an all-black team consisting of CEO Arthur Hayes, Ian Balina, AKON, Steven McKie, and Mike Novogratz. We were surprised by one of the names on this list, Steven McKie, as we didn’t know he was black. 

We reached out to Vitalik Buterin for comment and he solemnly said, “After the protests in Minneapolis, I evaluated my role as a white founder in Blockchain and I realized that by focusing on my work, deliverables, productivity, and building the future of the world’s financial system, I have been oppressing the Black American community and reaping the rewards of my white intellectual privilege. For this, I take responsibility. If you don’t agree with my decision to step down, then you should probably be using Bitcoin instead.”

This event is one of many in the recent series of high profile founders stepping down for black counterparts including Reddit board member Alexis Ohanian, wife of Serena Williams, who we imagine would most likely be beaten mercilessly by her tennis racket if he didn’t. 

Our reporters were curious how other Crypto leaders would respond to these protests. When we asked Adam Back if he would be stepping down from Blockstream in solidarity with the Black American community he replied “No.” When we asked Charlie Lee if he would be stepping down from The Litecoin Foundation in support of Black Lives Matter, he replied, “I’m way ahead of the curve on that one. I stepped down in 2017 for this very reason.” When our reporters claimed that we thought he stepped away to “decentralize the project” he responded “I plead the Fifth.”

I sold the top for BLM. For this #ITakeResponsibility.
Charlie Lee, global activist.

“I am hopeful for more diversity in Ethereum development from all Peoples of Color, including the Black American community. If they built Wakanda they can definitely make Ethereum 2.0 work.”

Joseph Lubin, Founder/CEO of Consensys.

We reached the head of Consensys HR for a comment. “Our main focus has shifted to reparations on the Blockchain. We’re only allowing grants to Black Americans and other People of Color to develop on Ethereum and unfortunately development has now come to a screeching halt. We weren’t aware of how little diversity there was in Crypto. We know this looks bad right now, but these are the necessary growing pains to building a more inclusive financial community.”

In an effort to be more politically correct, the Ethereum Foundation has decided to rename the Ethereum White Paper to the Black Paper, making it very hard to read; perfect for new investors and the current Ethereum roadmap. They will also be renaming Ethereum’s racist Proof of Stake protocol “Casper”, because of criticism that the friendly ghost’s namesake was too white.

We have learned that Arthur Hayes’ first decision as Ethereum CEO is to re-hire Virgil Griffith as head of cultural diversity because of his successful relationship bridging the gap between the US and North Korea. He has also hired San Francisco professional race panderer Nancy Pelosi for her expertise in diversity, raising money, and great fashion sense. 

I pledge allegiance to Black Satoshi.

Reporters have also learned that this year’s upcoming DevCon VI will be moved from Bogota, Colombia to Atlanta, Georgia as the new Ethereum Board thought it would be way more lit. 

When we reached out to Hayes for comment and asked why he was making all these changes to Ethereum, he said “Game on motherfucker, I’m just trying to make shekels. I’ll say whatever you pussies want to hear. Wakanda forever!” 

Pray to your God of volatility.

UPDATE 06/12/2020: We have just learned that Ethereum 2.0 has been delayed indefinitely.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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