“I love Warren Buffett, he is my idol. I just wanted him to buy crypto so people would say that Justin Sun was the person who made Warren Buffet buy crypto.”Justin Sun
His bags are only as heavy as his heart
In a shocking announcement, Coin Jazeera has just learned that the legendary Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffett, has decided to pull out of his planned lunch date on July 25th with infamous Chinese crypto scammer, and Martin Shkreli’s Asian cousin, Justin Sun. The lunch was set to be held at Quince Restaurant in San Francisco, chosen by Justin in the hope that the putrid air of the dystopian city would be so hazardous to the old man he’d just shut up and buy TRON to get away.
Mr. Sun printed even more TRON out of thin air to bid over $4.5 million, to win the eBay Power of One Lunch Charity Auction that would put him face to face with one of the most outspoken critics of Cryptocurrency in the hopes of manipulating his old and fragile mind. Accompanying Justin Sun would have been his dream team of very well respected experts in the Crypto community including Tai Lopez, James Altucher, Carlos Matos, Ran Neuner, Mark Karpeles, and back from the dead after eating too much spicy vindaloo QuadrigaCX CEO Gerald Cotton.
When asked why Mr. Buffett cancelled the lunch meeting, our reporters were told by his family and friends that they were worried about possible financial elder abuse by Justin Sun after seeing what had happened to Marvel’s Stan Lee. They were also concerned that Justin Sun would try to pay for the lunch in Bitcoin and that Warren Buffet would die waiting for the 10 confirmations necessary to process the bill.
Coin Jazeera reached out to Justin Sun who was emotionally distraught that he was turned down for a date for only the second time in his entire life. This of course follows his rejection by Vitalik Buterin who refused to accept his Valentine’s Day gift of ripe avocados and had declined to respond to hundreds of his crank calls and voicemails. Our reporters believe Vitalik is also far more interested in farm animals in Bangkok. Justin told Coin Jazeera, that he did not understand why Warren rebuffed his advances.
I just want people to like me like they do Vitalik. He has friends. I do not have any friends. Will you be my friend? Where can I buy friends?Justin Sun
CEO of BitTorrent (how is it possible to be CEO of a protocol?)
Coin Jazeera sent veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille to visit Warren Buffett at his modest home in Omaha, Nebraska to inquire why he turned down the famous charity event for the first time in 20 years.
“If Bitcoin is ‘rat poison squared‘, TRON is the square root of human feces on any given San Francisco sidewalk.” Buffet told our reporters. “I already screwed up once by investing $340 in that ponzi DC Solar so that the founders could hang out with prostitutes in South America. I personally prefer watching the grass grow with my senile wife, she’s the nicest she’s ever been. Tell Justin Sun he can kiss my Omaha ass, I’d rather eat at McDonalds.”
We asked Mr. Buffett what was going to happen to the $4.5 million donation that was meant to benefit Glide, a San Francisco charity that fights homelessness and addiction in the city’s disgusting Tenderloin District by apparently buying who appear to be REKT members of “Mr. Shilina’s” Mastermind group the nicest clothes we’ve ever seen in Crypto. Warren Buffett had only these choice words to say, “San Francisco is a gigantic cesspool of hypodermic needles and human shit. There’s no chance in hell those lazy entitled bums living off of their socialist programs would have seen a dollar of that money thanks to Pelosi, that old bitch. Money used to solve the “homeless problem” in San Francisco is a bigger scam than Crypto. Going forward I’ve decided to just give the money directly to Nouriel Roubini, I like the way he yells at things.”
When asked if he was going to make other lunch plans in San Francisco, Warren said, “I’m still flying out to San Francisco to have lunch with Jamie Dimon and Mark Zuckerberg to discuss more important issues like using the “blockchain” to create stable coins for banks and life extension. This will teach Justin Sun a lesson for even thinking he could waste three hours of what’s left of my life to kill me by talking about Crypto.”
Having difficulty bearing the weight of Warren Buffett’s rejection, Justin Sun had no other choice but to have the Chinese Triad kidnap Warren when he arrived in Silicon Valley, and place him in the basement of Draper University staring face to face with TRON’s Chinese ripoff of Jigsaw from the SAW movie franchise, yet another thing that Justin Sun stole. Mr. Buffett is currently in a game making the biggest gamble of his life, far greater than he would’ve made if he had just invested in Bitcoin instead.
Our reporters who have frequent experience being kidnapped suggest that Mr. Buffet bond with his captors, gain their trust, then flee.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.