The machine elves made me do it.Vlad Zamfir
Notoriously stoned, recently outcasted from the church of Vitalik, and sentenced to the gulags of Casper Labs, the Coin Jazeera team met up with Vlad Zamfir nearby the Ethereum Foundation’s headquarters in an auxiliary Maltese bunker 10,000 feet underground.
Mr. Zamfir has always been known for his eccentric ways and fast paced nerd lifestyle. He was born Влади́мир под кайфом but later changed his name to Vlad for simplicity. In his early years he moved to America hoping to audition as a Skrillex body double but soon learned that Dubstep wasn’t his thing; he much preferred the Trance music that his mother introduced him to back in the motherland.
When our reporters met Vlad he ushered us in hurriedly into the bunker. “Quick! Hurry! If I don’t take the third hit I won’t break through!”
Mr. Zamfir was smoking a chemical substance known as DMT (Dimethyltryptamine), a harsh substance extracted from grass in an attempt to convene with who he called “The Machine Elves.”
As he took his third and final hit Vlad’s body slunk to the floor in a heaping pile atop strewn papers, post-its, and cocktail napkins scattered over the floor. Before he lost consciousness he was heard murmuring “The things I do for math.”
His body began to convulse on the floor and when our reporters rushed over to help him we were restrained by his manservant Greg Meredith, former CEO of Rchain, who spent all of his money on coffee and Taylor Swift singles on iTunes. “This is part of his creative process. Do not interrupt.”
Mr. Zamfir was undergoing personal “consciousness experiments” as he called them to help in the creation process of “Sharding”, a scaling solution meant to increase the usability of the Ethereum Blockchain, a cryptocurrency started by a child and his Joe Jackson father pushing him to success.
Once he regained consciousness Mr. Zamfir scrambled to a whiteboard to begin jotting down his mathematical revelations.
“Damn. It’s not enough. I thought for sure the “all over 2a” would do it.”
Mr. Zamfir slunk against the wall clearly a man with a grave weight on his shoulders. We felt this was our time to gain some insight into the mind of this brilliant Russian cryptographer.
“I’m looking for it. The perfect drug. The Ethereum Foundation introduced me to Ketamine and MDMA in Prague at Devcon but that still wasn’t enough. I’ve tried everything: pot, cigarettes, modafinil, adderall, creatine, nothing works I’m still so far away. The closest I’ve gotten to the holy grail of Sharding solutions is when I smoke DMT and meet with the Machine Elves but they’re so goddamn elusive those little tricksters. They show me the most beautiful geometric math and then they take it away. Why do they do this to me!?” Vlad sobbed as he broke down on the floor.
After he composed himself Mr. Zamfir opened up to our reporters and explained that there was more on the line than just his reputation. He was in deep with the Ethereum Foundation for a lot of Ether after tragically selling his entire position in 2014 for a pittance price of $12 a coin. He went on to see all of his friends and his child boss go on to make hundreds of millions of dollars while he was left eating out at Sizzler once every other Sunday.
“The Ethereum Foundation is floating me while I do my research. Mostly they’re just paying for the drugs but I need a lot for my experiments and it gets quite expensive. If I don’t pull this off they’re going to kill me. They know people.” He learned in, looked around to check for safety, and whispered quietly “Russian people.”
We were very sad to leave Mr. Zamfir. We went to the supermarket and bought some milk and bread to leave on his table in case he got hungry later. Coin Jazeera fronted the bill.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.