Vitalik Scraps Ethereum 2.0 to Audit Supply of Ethereum, “Biggest Challenge Yet”

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

“The pressures of scaling were getting to me. I decided we couldn’t move forward with Ethereum until we knew how many there actually were.”

Genius Child Founder, Vitalik Buterin

“How many Ethereum are there?” This was the simple question that short circuited the magnificent mind of the child founder of Ethereum, Vitalik Buterin. These five words brought the world computer blockchain to a screeching halt. Who would have ever believed that the achilles heel of the most technologically advanced project in the history of human civilization would be the question: “How many are there?” 

Our reporters reached out to the Ethereum Foundation for comment.


“I can’t believe we never thought about that,” said Ethereum Community Manager, Hudson Jameson who responded to our call. Our reporters also couldn’t believe that at any point in the hundreds of thousands of Ethereum Developer meetings that this was never brought up in conversation. Could this be the result of the infamous LSD themed sex parties that the community was engaging in? We demanded to know why. “I don’t know man! We were too busy talking about synchronous cross-chain sharding and layer two zk-rollup plasma state channels.” Our reporters had no idea what the hell Jameson just said and figured it must have been the early signs of a stroke caused by an overdose of LSD so we called 911 to report a seizure. Unfortunately the police had been defunded, so nobody showed up and we fled the scene.

After we were unable to get an answer from the Ethereum Foundation, we sent veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille to consult with “The Great Chainlink Oracle” on what the true supply of ETH is. After paying $50 in gas fees we eagerly awaited our answer, but to our disappointment the Oracle told us “It is beyond my power. My only function is to tell you to buy more LINK.”

There is no question too great for the Chainlink Oracle. Except to answer how many ETH there are.

Lost and confused we decided we needed to go to the source himself, Mr. Buterin. To our surprise Vitalik was in great spirits and was eager to share with our reporters his new vision for the Ethereum project. 

“I am a builder. I enjoy solving the world’s hardest problems. Today, a new problem appeared before me. I have decided to halt development of Ethereum 2.0 and shift the focus of Ethereum to my new vision. I find it is more of a technological challenge to count the total supply of ETH than to actually scale this Blockchain. This is now my purpose. The greatest challenge of my adult life will be to use the World Computing power of Ethereum to count the total supply of Ethereum. No more smart contracts, no more shitcoins, no more Kyle Samani.”

He continued, “When scientists ask the most important philosophical questions: What is the meaning of life? Is God real? They will now also ask, “How many ETH are there?” I am honored to work on this with my peers and to find an answer to the mystery that I created.” 

Our reporters have learned that Vitalik will also be shifting the consensus mechanism from Proof-of-Stake to Proof-of-Supply. The new algorithm will work by harnessing the collective energy of hatred and vitriol from all the trolls and nerds arguing on Twitter about the supply of an imaginary asset they did nothing to earn.

Our reporters are bullish on the future of Ethereum so we have gone all-in on Bitcoin. We wish Mr. Buterin good luck on his new adventure and plan on powering the Proof-of-Supply algorithm from Twitter soon.

Ethereum’s newest influencer and biggest shill.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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