WEDNESDAY, DEC 18, 2019
In a shocking upset to the Ethereum community, Vitalik Buterin, once lauded as the golden boy of Crypto, dropped a thermonuclear bomb on his disciples when he ruthlessly announced to the world that he had dumped 20,000 ETH from his personal pre-mined stash at the top of 2017’s Bull Market for a whopping $20 Million, walking away as the richest and most malnourished teenager in Crypto.
This revelation angered everyone in the community including the unpopular Cryptocurrency-exchange-that-nobody-had-ever-heard-of, CoinFloor, which used this PR opportunity to delist Ethereum upon the news, sabotaging their own business in the process. Even Dr. Craig Wright himself was furious at Vitalik for having the chance to sell his stash before he had a chance to dump his Satoshi coins on January 1st, 2020 when the “Tulip Trust” finally expires and he can dump the coins he “borrowed” from Dave Kleiman.
Determined to find out why now, after two years, Mr. Buterin would publicly destroy his own project and reputation by spilling the organic beans, we put our reporters on the case.
Our reporters reached out to the Ethereum Foundation for comment and discovered that they too, having been tipped off by Vitalik, had unapologetically sold $80M in Ether at the top of the market. When our reporters exclaimed “You sold!?” they responded “You didn’t!?” as we heard laughing in the background and the sound of champagne being popped.
Shamed and confused, we reached out to Virgil Griffith to connect us to Mr. Buterin for comment. Mr. Griffith refused to speak to us until he found out that one of our reporters was Korean (we lied and said that he was North), after which he opened up like a book. As a thank you, we sent him a Juul baked into a cake that he could trade for protection and/or sexual favors in prison.
We were shocked when Mr. Buterin agreed to meet with us at the Gold’s Gym in Venice Beach earlier this week. It turns out that in addition to covertly selling, Buterin had also been secretly working out and was now able to bench the bar without a spot. Wiping the single bead of sweat from his brow, he claimed that sweat would be bad for his circuits and that he preferred to be water-cooled. We decided to buy him a apple juice box from the smoothie shop downstairs and began our questioning.
“Oh don’t act like you didn’t know I was rich,” professed the once exalted leader of Ethereum, “I’ve been wearing a new designer Llamacorn shirt every day this year. This bear market has gone on way too long and I don’t feel like pretending I don’t have money anymore. It feels great to finally get this weight off my chest after two long years.” When our reporters mentioned that we thought he slept on couches to save money he snarkily said, “Yeah, Louis Vuitton couches. Ikea hasn’t touched this body since 2017. We’re heading into the next decade and I’m turning 18 soon and it’s time for me to live my best life.” Our reporters were shocked as this seemed very out of character for Mr. Buterin. We were convinced that this attitude must have come from someone other than himself. When asked, the truth was revealed to us.
“I want to thank my mentor Charlie Lee for teaching me how to properly dump on my followers while still making it look like I’m a nice guy. If it wasn’t for him and his MasterClass that I saw advertised on Facebook, I would have never learned how to properly walk away with millions of dollars while just barely doing enough work to keep my project alive and pretend I’m working to look good to investors, stakeholders, and federal agencies. It’s all outlined in Mr. Lee’s hit book “The Art of the Dump.“
Our reporters asked him if his sudden change in personality might have had anything to do with the SEC concluding its’ investigation into Ethereum and absolving him of all wrong-doing to which he said, “That’s outlined in Chapter Three.”
We were curious to learn more about Charlie Lee’s book, The Art of the Dump, and asked Mr. Buterin to elaborate while we immediately bought a copy on Amazon Prime one-day delivery (for educational purposes). He told us that his favorite chapter was Chapter 7: “Freeing Your Conscience,” which describes how by telling people it may be a good idea to sell, you can walk away scot-free knowing that you gave a fair warning to the people.
“One of the main takeaways suggested by Master Shifu — that’s what I call Charlie — is to start a “Foundation” to employ all of my undeserving bum friends with outrageous salaries and creative executive titles so that we can successfully
launder distribute the money we made cleanly and legally. Charlie Shifu has also suggested that I join the United Nations Telegram Group and give some of my money away because only then will I get invitations to fancy Illuminati parties, celebrity orgies, and opportunities to scam on a larger scale. Someone like me is in high demand with those Boomers. I’ll probably make another $100 Million just by letting them use me as the next Greta Thunberg of Blockchain for their latest climate change initiative scams. As my Master says, “Dump on, run off.”
When our reporters asked what this means for the Ethereum roadmap or the vaporous Ethereum 2.0, the boy simply shrugged and said “Beats me. Just keep memeing the halevening if you want a final opportunity to sell your bags noob.”
Our reporters walked away crushed after having been beaten by the genius and savage child. We have since learned that Vitalik has joined the Magical Crypto Friends as their 5th member, obviously choosing a Unicorn to fit in with these horrible older men. We have since received our signed copy of The Art of The Dump, after reaching out to Charlie Lee’s PR team and are currently at Chapter 8: Complicit.
We have just now learned that Ricardo Spagni, better known by moniker FluffyPony, has recently stepped down from his own pre-mine coin Monero, citing the epilogue from The Art of the Dump: “Severing All Ties”, as his inspiration for doing so. We have also received an anonymous tip that Spagni is working alongside Mr. Lee for a sequel to The Art of The Dump, titled The Art of The Comeback set to coincidentally coincide with the upcoming bull market of 2022.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.