After his break-out performance at this year’s EDCON, Ethereum’s creator and chief hype man Vitalik Buterin announced he’s retiring from the crypto industry forever to focus on his true passion: rap based on blockchain scaling solutions. The Coin Jazeera team was able to catch up with “Lil’ Buterin” at his Antarctica biodome to discuss his recent pivot.
“Writing the lyrics to my explosive hit single ‘Shard on your Face’ has been far more rewarding than writing the sharding code to scale my hit double platinum cryptocurrency Ethereum,” Vitalik announced from his hottub full of Cristal. His most recent album, “Get Rich or Die Scaling,” is set to be released alongside ETH 2.0, so we here at the Coin Jazeera news desk are expecting it to drop this upcoming never.
“The album has a nebulous, ethereal quality about it, and draws heavily from my previous experience as a quantum computer salesman,” mentioned Vitalik as he sipped his hot tub with a curly purple unicorn crazy straw. His influences come from rappers such as Chaum, Shamir, and Schnorr as well as cryptographers such as Ja Rule, R Kelly, and of course, 6ix9ine.
Track 7, “Plasma gon Shock ya” details Vitalik’s struggles with Plasma’s tragic comparisons with the Lightning network. In it, Vitalik drops the dirtiest rhymes ever before seen on a cryptocurrency-based rap album:
“I wish I didn’t have to plasma, but your transaction limit slow like asthma. Bitcoin SegWit is full of shit, Lightning network can suck the dick”
“I get that rhyming shit and dick was a bit of a stretch, but I think the deeper meaning here is what’s really important,” Vitalik said in response to the Twitter backlash from Blockstream Core maximalists. “This rhyme is vindication for years of inequality, FUD, and logical questions from the Blockstream Core community. Get Rich or Die Scaling is my magnum opus. Ethereum was just laying the groundwork,” smiled Buterin as his penguin servants handed him another tray of caviar.
Vitalik is already beginning to think about upcoming albums beyond “Get Rich and Die Scaling.” He’s currently learning to play the recorder to overlay over some sick tribal beats for his Burning Man set. When we left Lil’ Buterin he was working on his next single “Casper the Friendly Ho.” Coin Jazeera looks forward to seeing where this prolific raptographer’s career goes next.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.