Tom Lee in Protective Custody after Another Missed Call
Photo Courtesy of CNBC.
Infamous CNBC permabull and “analyst” Tom Lee is now in protective custody after yet another failed Bitcoin price prediction. Tom Lee received notoriety during the Bitcoin Bull of 2017 for brilliantly predicting every single price movement incorrectly. He is a Managing Partner and the Head of Research at Fundstrat, a Market Sector and Research firm that gets things so hilariously wrong we’re surprised they don’t work for Coin Jazeera.
Once a former courier delivering packages to the CNBC mailroom, Mr. Lee worked his way up the nepotism ladder at CNBC by befriending fellow Asian American and Fast Money ™ anchor, Melissa Lee. Together the Lee’s devised a plan to get Tom out of those UPS short-shorts and into some slacks to make a man of him yet.
Channeling the same spirit as Asian American folk hero Mulan, Tom Lee rolled up his sleeves, revealing his Chinese Triad tattoos from a previous life (hey, you haven’t seen his arms either, you don’t know that it’s not true). He was ready to, as the song says, get down to business, and make Melissa and the rest of the world proud for believing in him.
He honed his craft trading alts and Bitcoin on the Bitmex testnet. After a few 100x yolo trades that randomly went his way, Tom Lee felt prepared to get on national television and advise the world on how to invest their hard earned money. After all, he was now a cryptocurrency trader by virtue of having done it a few times.
Everything started out well. Tom looked fit. Confident. A man ready to show the world what he was made of on the global stage.
Photo Courtesy of CNBC.
Tom made his first call. It was December of 2017. Prices were soaring at $19,000 hitting all-time-highs the community couldn’t dream of. Tom boldly pointed his fingers up at the sky and proclaimed “UP!”
Tom was wrong.
Photo Courtesy of CNBC.
Mr. Lee started receiving phone calls from Fundstrat customers, friends, family, and the community as a whole. They were disappointed but understanding. After all, nobody can be right all the time. However, what they didn’t realize is that people can be wrong all the time but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Tom Lee immediately bolstered himself up. Set to reappear on Fast Money™ in a week’s time, Mr. Lee buckled down and collected himself, prepared to come back stronger than ever and prove to the world that he would not be defined for his mistake. After conducting deep market research on Reddit, he concluded that the best strategy was to “Buy The Dip,” a successful investment thesis that received numerous accolades and upvotes written by “blacked69”, a popular Analyst on the /r/BitcoinMarkets subreddit.
It was a cloudy day when he reappeared on the set on Friday. This time around Tom had eaten both a nutritious breakfast AND lunch and felt the extra energy would help his mind function better. He sat in the hot seat and the cameras began to roll. Melissa Lee threw him a softball.
“Tom, the price of Bitcoin seems to be unusually volatile today, what do you make of this?”
“Well Melissa, this is an emerging asset class and as an emerging asset class these types of wild price movements are to be expected. We’re dealing with a technology that does not yet know how to be valued. That being said,”
Tom confidently took a breath and again pointed up to the sky,
“I believe the price is going to go UP!”
“Well there you have it, up. That was Tom Lee from Fundstrat.”
At that moment an intern rushed onto the set screaming that the price had just plummeted $5000 in a one minute candle.
Photo Courtesy of Yahoo! Finance.
The air was sucked out of the room as the anchors glared at Tom. Mr. Lee was speechless and had nothing to say. He packed his belongings in complete silence and slunk out, dejected and confused. His scalp trades on Bitmex went in his favor and he had even moved over to the Mainnet; how could this have happened? This was shameful and he knew it.
He received a perturbed call from Melissa Lee later that evening saying that while everyone was livid with his prediction, the Executive Producer of Fast Money™, Maxwell Meyers, strangely didn’t seem to mind, and wanted to invite him back on again the week after.
Tom didn’t know what to do. The public outcry had become worse. He started receiving death threats over Telegram and someone had actually taken the time to handwrite him an angry letter to his home address; this was really bad. It took every ounce of courage he had when Tom Lee decided to go back on Fast Money™ the third, and final, time. He sat in the chair…
“…☝️”
Photo Courtesy of CNBC.
Today Tom Lee is in protective custody. He maintains communication via Telegram, Twitter, and Signal but nobody has actually physically seen him since. Rumors have it that he’s somewhere in Boca Raton living under the name Chet Stephens, an Asian Bobby Lee lookalike that busks on the street and also moonlights at Red Lobster.
Not everyone wants Mr. Lee’s blood however. When we interviewed a local Bitcoin Trader at his parent’s home, he told us that Tom Lee actually made him more money than he could have ever dreamed of and all he had to do was bet against him.
Here at Coin Jazeera, we’re happy to know that there was at least a little positivity that came from all this. Wherever Mr. Lee is, we wish him the best and hope that he learns how to trade against himself.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
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