SEC Swears Its Here to Help

“Everyone is afraid of us. I don’t get it.” said SEC director Stern Oldman. “We’re here to help YOU. If you disclose to us everything you’ve done we can best figure out how to HELP. After all, what else are we paid for?”

Mr. Oldman prides himself on his very inclusive nature. The helping and sharing economy has become more trendy in recent years. After the well publicized “Sharing is Caring” campaign led by the IRS, other government agencies such as the SEC have joined in this new zeitgeist of thought. We asked Mr. Oldman what prompted this dabble in modern thinking.

“Oh, the boys at the NSA. They really believe in sharing, some of the best sharers I’ve ever met, those old dogs. When I saw them do it, I thought to myself, you know what Oldman? You can do it too! So now we share!”

When we asked if the SEC actually shared anything of their own Mr. Oldman told us that was a very archaic way of looking at things:

“You see, you’re thinking about it all wrong. That’s the old way of thinking. It’s the old model. And we like to be very forward thinking. So we actually just share what you have and help you to share. It’s not confusing at all.”

Our correspondent was audited later that day.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.