Samson Mow, Chief Shill Officer (CSO) of Blockstream, one of the nation’s largest Bitcoin conversion therapy programs, has finally come out of the closet as an Altcoiner and says that while he loves Bitcoin, he finds himself much more attracted to the younger and more nubile Ethereum.
This follows news that the confused Mr. Mow purchased hundreds of thousands of dollars in INX ERC20 tokens, which were tokenized on the hotter and sexier Ethereum instead of Blockstream’s own Liquid Network. Mr. Mow spent years in the closet pretending to be a hardcore BTC Maximalist and was hired by the Blockstream Conversion Camp to lead their efforts in providing support to multicoiners by literally beating them over the head with HODL memes and brainwashing them to believe that diversification away from the righteous path of Bitcoin was the work of the Devil.
During Coin Jazeera’s company-wide altcoin sensitivity workshop we learned that there is a long history of Bitcoin Maximalists being outted as multicoiners and for having secret Ethereum preferences.
BTC Maximalists like Mr. Mow hide their inner love of ETH because they feel ashamed, guilty, or nervous. They may begin to act defensively when questioned about their portfolios, and attempt to distract the questioner with off-topic tangents about red meat or guns. According to experts, this deflection is a symptom of a much deeper prejudice based on the fear that individuals have from Blockchains other than their own. The root of this horrible ETH-phobia is the belief that all ETH involving acts are sinful and a threat to traditional Internet values.
Mr. Mow, a known member of the Furry community, has been most recently sighted attending Ethereum meetups in costume; disguising himself as a lion in a room with other closeted Maximalists. Our reporters have learned that to throw people off from his secret life with other Blockchains, he found a young and innocent girl to pose as his girlfriend and proceeded to convert her into a Bitcoin Maximalist to give himself the cover of being an unquestionable BTC loyalist and win the approval of the community.
Within the conversion community this is referred to as a “beard,” or more specifically in Crypto, a “neckbeard,” a relationship designed to throw others off of a closeted Altcoiners trail. Mr. Mow would continuously post cringe photos of their romance on Twitter for the world to see as the shame of dabbling with the “Devil’s Chain,” Ethereum, grew bigger and bigger inside. Deep down, our reporters knew that Mr. Mow secretly lusted to be with an Eastern European Ethereum ICO community manager, but to keep his cover he put true love aside.
“I have since cut ties with the Cult of Blockstream. Coming out as a multicoiner has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m sorry Lina.”Samson Mow
In a Facebook post last week, Mr. Mow apologized to the community by stating, “Please forgive me, Conversion Therapy Programs are wrong.” He continued, “I certainly regret where I have caused harm. Promoting memes that made many people believe that their Crypto portfolio allocations needed to be 100% Bitcoin was irresponsible, wrong, and at worst, evil. It’s all in my past now, but many will continue believing that there is something wrong with themselves for liking other Blockchains. I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with your personal choice, they’re all scams anyways.”
We are proud of Mr. Mow’s bravery and forgive him for his mistake. Our respect and condolences also go out to Lina. You shouldn’t have found out like this.
UPDATE 09/27/19: Our reporters have learned that Mr. Mow will be delivering the opening keynote address for Vitalik Buterin at this year’s upcoming DevCon V in Osaka, Japan.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.