Peter Brandt Dies of Old Age in “Longest Trade Ever”

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

Our reporters were saddened to learn that legendary trader and Crypto Twitter old man Peter Brandt died today at Trading Views Retirement Home in the middle of what could possibly become the greatest trade of all time. 

Mr. Brandt had just opened a 25x long on BitMEX when he suffered a massive coronary heart attack after watching YouTube and seeing Tone Vays draw the worst ascending triangle he had ever seen in his life. The wave of anger at Tone Vays’ incompetence triggered the old man’s right coronary artery to literally explode as he clutched his chest and moaned “You stupid bafoon! That’s not a triangle that’s an ascending wedge” before collapsing to the ground while the other residents around him barely looked up from their bingo game and soiling their Depends.

His last words were “You killed me with your stupidity.”

Our reporters interviewed Trading Views Retirement Home nurse, Treyvon James, who recently began a new career in elderly care after going back to school upon getting out of prison for shilling BitConnect.

“Peter was watching the Tone Vays video as a joke to make him feel better about the existential dread of dying. He was pointing at the screen lovingly and saying ‘Look at the funny clown. This is good satire.’ Then he realized that Tone was serious, I think that’s what killed him.”

“I am a trader but I don’t even trade. The best time to get into your position was yesterday. Make sure to sign up for the Understanding Bitcoin conference using promo code TONE.”

Mr. Brandt will always be remembered for pioneering speculative trading during the Great Depression of 1929 after opening a long position on the Germans during WWII and subsequently getting Rekt. The legendary trader was discharged from military service in the United States Army after it was discovered that he was deliberately sabotaging the war by providing the United States soldiers with incorrect charts. Upon his military tribunal Peter was quoted as saying “I thought the Germans had more upside.”

Coin Jazeera was allowed to attend the funeral where Peter Brandt’s daughter yelled at Tone Vays in the first few moments of the gathering claiming “You killed my father with your shitty Tom Demark sequential you Russian clown! Your trading system doesn’t even make sense. All you do is count to nine!”

Also in attendance was Arthur Hayes, who came to pay his condolences to his best customer and most successful referral code affiliate, claiming, “Peter was the real OG. I’m sad he didn’t live long enough to see Bitcoin go to $100k and for me to become the world’s blackest and only trillionaire.”

“My father had two joys in life: ignoring his family while trading and making fun of young people on Twitter. Over his 45 year career as a trader he had never seen a market like Bitcoin and when the community gave him so much love for having slightly above average trading intelligence, he was hooked. Over time however his heart grew weaker as he had to continuously deal with morons who thought they were investors after randomly becoming rich and being rewarded for being degenerate awful human beings with zero social skills. Tone Vays was unfortunately the straw that broke my father’s back.”

Mr. Brandt had prepared a will in the event of death to be read immediately following the funeral. It is the legendary trader’s request that all trades remain open forever and indefinitely.

I’m entering into the ultimate long term hold. My body may be liquidated but my positions will live forever.

Peter Brandt
1915 B.C. – 2019 A.D

Mr. Brandt’s 25x BitMEX long still remains open and inspired by this Arthur Hayes has agreed to create a new futures market for the afterlife called “XBT4EVA” with a hundred year expiration so that Peter Brandt’s trade will never close in his heirs’ lifetime so they can see their father make the greatest trade of all time before Arthur’s future son liquidates the contract a day before it expires by swinging his dad’s Big Black Block and watching the entire Brandt estate cry.

Our reporters hope that wherever Mr. Brandt is now in Heaven, he isn’t teaching God how to go long on the Sun and short on Earth.

Arthur jacked from the physical labor of crushing so many dreams on BitMEX.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

FOOTER AD SPACE FOR SALE
E-MAIL
sponsor@coinjazeera.news

Subscribe to Coin Jazeera for articles right to your inbox

Please follow and like us: