ETH 2.0 Launches, Nobody Cares. 
Vitalik Scraps Ethereum 2.0 to Audit Supply of Ethereum, “Biggest Challenge Yet” 
White Founder Vitalik Buterin Steps Down from Ethereum Foundation, Replaced by Black CEO 
Hopeful Crypto Investor Devastated After Halvening Halves Bitcoin’s Price 
New Court Documents Reveal Craig Wright ACTUALLY IS Satoshi Nakamoto Jackson Palmer Arrested for Killing Shiba Inu Dog “Why Did I Sell?”
I’ll never let you live to see a Coinbase listing you furry son of a…
China Extradites TRON Founder Justin Sun
On Wednesday, our reporters were devastated to learn that convicted felon and TRON CEO, Justin…
Brock Pierce Running for Governor of Puerto Rico in 2020
On Wednesday evening, after enduring twelve long and grueling days of Puerto Rico’s controversial “RickyLeaks”…
Arthur Hayes Shrugs off CFTC Regulators, “Bunch of Haters”
Arthur Hayes, CEO of BitMEX, the popular international exchange best known for being extremely difficult…
Facebook’s David Marcus Literally Ruins Crypto for All of Us
It’s either us or China that is going to win the Cryptocurrency wars. Who would…
Bitcoin Maximalists Devastated Donald Trump Doesn’t Support Bitcoin
On Thursday, July 11th, in a shocking global first, beloved President Donald J. Trump rocked…
Warren Buffett CANCELS Lunch Date With TRON CEO Justin Sun
“I love Warren Buffett, he is my idol. I just wanted him to buy crypto…
Peter Brandt Dies of Old Age in “Longest Trade Ever”
Our reporters were saddened to learn that legendary trader and Crypto Twitter old man Peter…
Ethereum Foundation Penetrated by Polkadot’s Gavin Wood
Tipped off by an anonymous source, Coin Jazeera has learned that members of second class…
Nation of Facebook Declares WAR on United States, Launches Sovereign Currency
On Tuesday, Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg declared war on the United States by announcing his…