On Tuesday, Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg declared war on the United States by announcing his newest plan for complete world domination, Liberation Coin, also known as “Libra” for short. The name “Liberation” was intentionally chosen to throw people off of the reality that there will be no liberation whatsoever and that their lives are most likely going to get a lot worse.
The name Libra is a not-so-subtle jab at Crypto exchange GEMINI, owned by former Facebook “frenemies” and professional victims Tyler & Cameron Winklevoss who unfortunately can’t seem to come up with one original idea that Zuckerberg doesn’t steal.
Unsatisfied with only controlling the entire free world, Mr. Zuckerberg could not sleep at night knowing that China, Africa, Mexico, and the Philippines were off limits to him and Facebook’s web of influence. Every day in the Facebook bathrooms he would stare at a map of the world, completely illuminated with user activity, cursing the dark territories on the map that remained unconquered. After his original plan to enslave the globe was thwarted by Elon Musk when he intentionally blew up the Internet.org satellite to save Net Neutrality, Zuck doubled down on his autistic empathy to “connect the world” and began Phase Two of his plan to light up his bathroom map — Crypto.
Zuckerberg’s announcement that Facebook was creating its own currency and sovereign nation sent shockwaves to political leaders and nations across the world who immediately realized the financial implications. Suddenly it made sense why Zuckerberg was acquiring all that land in Hawaii and San Francisco; he had hopes to annex these territories to start his own nation and use them as opposition bases in the meantime. It also became clear why he allowed Facebook to be used by the media to influence civil unrest and tear down democracy; to divide and conquer.
Could Facebook’s goal be to upend the global financial system, challenge the United Nations and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) for power, and eventually dominate the world? Yes. With the power of Blockchain Technology™ and his two billion daily active citizens, Mark is now attempting to create a brand new Federal Reserve System, complete with its own centralized currency (Libra), Orwelian payment processor (Calibra), and Central Banks (validator nodes).
A Libra validator node is the future equivalent of a digital centralized bank that collects all of your personal data and financial transaction history and in exchange provides you with nothing in return. It is basically the same as the old central bank system except this time they answer to Zuckerberg instead of the Rothschilds. Our research revealed that Facebook is launching their blockchain with 100 of these “validator nodes” owned by some of the most evil corporations in the world. Each node costs $10 million, preventing peasants like yourself from sharing in the wealth. Notable corporations in the Axis of Evil include: Uber, Lyft, VISA, Monsanto, Blackstone, Blackrock, Coinbase, Disney, Ripple, The United Nations, and The Girl Scouts of America. Surprisingly missing are Phillip Morris and Equifax– however our inside source said they are coming soon.
Taking advantage of the confusion surrounding what a “Cryptocurrency” actually is, Facebook and their multinational corporation friends have seized the chaos for their one chance to overthrow the governments of the bodies of land they are incorporated on. Corporations will now attempt to be the new nations and never pay taxes or be regulated ever again.
Political mouthpieces including French Finance Minister Bruno Le Maire, Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters, and the Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney all immediately aligned themselves upon news of their impending doom and swore allegiance to the current power structure, publicly lambasting Facebook for having the hubris to try to seize the same power their masters captured generations ago.
Given the company’s troubled past, I am requesting that Facebook agree to a moratorium on any movement forward on developing a cryptocurrency until Congress and regulators have the opportunity to examine these issues and take action“Please slow down until we have the opportunity to stop your success. Thanks in advance.”
Democratic Complainer Maxine Waters
Coin Jazeera’s editorial sweatshop workers in Nigeria tipped us off that as of this morning Facebook has already begun organizing guerilla armies in third world nations such as Mexico, Nigeria, Florida, and the Philippines and that Mark is going around asking people to call him “Khaleesi.” He is currently arming the people of their country with the most lethal weapon possible to take on the first world and achieve Zuckerberg’s global dominance: social justice.
Instead of guns the Libra justice warriors will be armed with #hashtags, virtue signal launchers, and rocket propelled guilt (RPGs) to use in their war against the United States. Amongst the armaments provided will be: cries for reparations, complaints of white privilege and racism, metoos, methrees, body shaming, fat shaming, and the most lethal of them all; the battle cries of the LGBTQLMNOPs. The plan is to throw countries into such turmoil fighting over things like political correctness and identity politics that Facebook and Zuckerberg can stealthily scoop up all the disenfranchised and oppressed during the oncoming civil war and rot the United States from the inside out.
One look at both the Calibra and Libra websites shows us that Facebook was so focused on showcasing diversity that they completely ignored representing the one group of people who actually use Crypto.
Much like Game of Thrones before it was ruined by David Benioff and Dan Weiss, Mark will use the excuse of “liberation” to round up the poor, weak, disenfranchised, oppressed, angry, marginalized, and anyone who just had a bad day and build his army slowly but surely. But why would people actually use Libra Coin? Our reporters still didn’t know.
While Bitcoin and Ethereum offer the world a way to be their own banks and develop financial applications, Liberation Coin does nothing of any value whatsoever for anyone except Facebook and their corporate friends. We had originally anticipated that Libra would provide incentives such as interest on held coins and discounts for people spending Libra Coin with all of their corporate partners (Uber, Lyft, Farmville,) but we were surprised that this wasn’t the case. There are no incentives for use, no interest for holding Libra, and all the transaction fee profits go to corporate validator nodes in the Axis of Evil. The only way Libra would be chosen over Bitcoin or other Cryptos is if…users…didn’t have a choice…
Wait — what other institution has users who don’t have a choice and must comply with laws and rules dictated by the terms of service in their walled garden? It couldn’t possibly be the United States of America could it? tldr: it is.
The only way Libra becomes relevant enough to propel Facebook into nation state status is if Libra goes for the whole pie and completely replaces the entire financial system. A sliver is not enough and co-existing with the United States is not an option. With the help of the most powerful cash rich organizations on earth the Libra coalition has one shot at the goal of replacing nations with corporations. Our reporters wonder if it will be a matter of time before the other FAANG companies follow Facebook and start nations of their own.
We’re excited to see how this new power structure plays out and as Omar from The Wire says “If you come at the king, you best not miss.”
Disclosure: Coin Jazeera plans to use our seed raise to purchase one of the 100 Libra nodes and join Zuck in the new world.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.