Osaka, Japan – October 12th, 2019 – Coin Jazeera News Desk
Coin Jazeera has learned that in an attempt to rid the world of Altcoin scams once and for all, what must be God himself has sent a Category 5 Typhoon directly to Osaka, Japan during DevCon 5 to destroy the Ethereum community and teach them all a lesson for deviating from the righteous path of Bitcoin Maximalism and traditional family values.
We can only assume that God was disgusted with the community that Ethereum had created: Unicorns, Porn Stars, Drugs, Hippies, Degeneracy, Polyamory, and Lane Rettig. Enough must have been enough for the big man upstairs and with this much evil energy concentrated in one place at one time, this was the most opportune time for God to unleash his long awaited wrath and cleanse the world of the out-of-control Ethereum community once and for all by sending the biggest hurricane Japan has ever seen since 1958.
Loving Ethereum has been a slippery slope for God. He was a little mad when the Ethereum Foundation sold their tokens through an unregistered and illegal ICO, but he forgave. He was a little mad when Vitalik lied and told the world that Ethereum would be scalable, but he forgave. He was even more mad when Vitalik forked Ethereum after The DAO hack, but yet again, he turned the other cheek and forgave. But the one thing God couldn’t forgive was the creation of the ERC-20 shitcoin standard by Ethereum Developer Fabian Vogelsteller which resulted in the most evil scam gold rush of all time. It was now time for divine justice.
After an enlightening mediation led in the Decompression Room on the 6th floor while smoking DMT with Vlad Zamfir, our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille rushed back to the news desk claiming to have become one with nature and entered the source code of the universe to speak directly with God to understand why he was so upset. God informed our reporter that he was disappointed that Vitalik’s speech was demoted to a broom closet on the 6th floor while Ethereum competitors such as NEAR Protocol, Tezos, Polkadot, and Casper Labs took the main stage instead. This was still much better than Ameen Soleimani’s treatment, who was cancelled by DevCon and designated to the bathroom for his talk instead after his questionable tweets.
Our reporters agreed with Pepe’s theory that God may possibly be smiting the community as we were shocked that DevCon would have the audacity to allow venture capital backed shitcoins such as Origin, Solana, Skale Labs, Filecoin, and all of Kyle Samani’s other investments to show up to the event and shill their own vaporware. When our reporters asked Ethereum competitor Tezos why they were even at an Ethereum conference to begin with, they replied “Because we have no community of our own and nowhere else to go. Our last conference only sold four tickets.” (Our reporters have since found out that all four tickets were sold to Polychain Capital.)
When God found out that Ian Balina himself was also in attendance parading around the main floor, he lost his shit and for sure knew he had to strike NOW. In one instant, God flipped the switch from a Category 3 Storm to a Category 5 Disaster to make sure he got the job done right. God was still livid after having invested in ICON, which Mr. Balina personally vouched for in his prayers and later dumped on the world. The big man never forgave and today would now be Judgement Day.
The final straw that broke God’s back was learning that in attendance at DevCon was Roger Ver, also known as Bitcoin Judas, who had betrayed the almighty Satoshi by making a Faustian bargain with the Devil Craig Wright to create Bitcoin Cash. Our reporters were confused as to why he was invited to the conference and given a slot to speak on the main stage about his infamous dumpster fire Hard Fork. When we interviewed the DevCon event organizers, they told us that they take guilty pleasure in converting early Bitcoiners to Ethereum supporters to rub it in the face of Bitcoin Maximalists. When our reporters asked Mr. Ver for comment as to why he decided to join the event he simply said, “I’m just excited to have friends for the first time since 2017.”
The only thing preventing God from going Biblical on Japan and sending a meteor to scorch the earth was Coindesk reporter Leigh Cuen’s controversial article calling Ethereum a scam, pissing off every bagholder at DevCon. This amused God enough to not send us all the way of the Dinosaurs.
In a last ditch attempt to divert the Typhoon away from Osaka, a traditional Japanese rain dance was performed during the final closing ceremonies of the conference. The dance was performed by pasty out-of-shape Ethereum developers led by Hudson Jameson, which had the opposite effect of just pissing God off even more. In a last minute save, our reporters were thrilled to learn that the Hurricane never ended up hitting Osaka and instead exit scammed towards Tokyo because the storm couldn’t scale, just like Ethereum.
Our reporters have since learned the secret location for next year’s DevCon 6 and are excited to break the story here today. Hint: It’s in Hell.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.