In an effort to get degenerate MakerDAO gamblers to close their CDPs, Maker has resorted to extreme measures by offering irresistible incentives to those who finally decide to close their positions. Amongst the options included are handwritten thank you notes, vouchers for reduced fees on future trades, and most notably, an all you can eat buffet at Gold’s Gentleman’s Club; the premiere blockchain co-working space of San Francisco, where you can eat mozzarella sticks, get aroused and frustrated, and feel guilty about looking at the women dancing who didn’t get into Crypto early.
Our Coin Jazeera news team was determined to get to the bottom of why Maker was so adamant about getting their users to close their CDP’s, and more importantly, why they couldn’t get DAI’s price pegged to a dollar. What we discovered was far more shocking than we could have ever imagined.
Our investigation began with the hypothesis that the best way to learn about what was going on at MakerDAO was from the inside.
We used one of our new hires from the bullpen to pose as an experienced trader named “Pepe Grenouille”. In order to look the part we had him gain 40 lbs and get on Lexapro. Unfortunately for us, we didn’t realize our man was also a degenerate gambler himself who had lost all of his money investing in ICOs in 2018.
Pepe “borrowed” from the Coin Jazeera treasury and set up a $120,000 CDP with a then variable interest rate of 7.5%, and withdrew a loan of $40,000 DAI. With that money he converted the DAI into ETH on Uniswap Exchange because he sensed the trade winds of an Ethereum Bull Market. Life was good for Pepe and he was considering leaving Coin Jazeera to move onto better things such as unemployment. That is, until Maker got involved.
After refusing the mozzarella sticks, Pepe noticed that objects were starting to go missing on his desk. He thought nothing of it until he went to the bathroom and saw “CLOSE IT.” written on the mirror in blood. The final straw was when our reporter went to sleep and woke up to find a Fluffypony head in his bed. When we asked Pepe why he stubbornly refused to sell his ETH to close his CDP, we learned that Pepe’s family was from a poor village in Senegal and this was their lottery ticket to a better life.
That afternoon we received a call from Jeremy Allaire, the CEO of Circle. He said that he knew we needed protection and that he would be able to help. Mr. Allaire offered to bankroll us and Pepe to keep our CDP open in an attempt to spite the Maker Family and prove that centralized stablecoins were far superior to decentralized pish posh such as DAI. If he could incentivize people to keep their CDPs open DAI would never peg at $1.00, proving that decentralization was a fad and his centralized USDC was the only way forward.
(Mr. Allaire also promised that he could sell our top banner ad space, which we graciously accepted. )
Maker continued to increase their stability fee to counter Mr. Allaire’s offensive. What began at 7.5% quickly turned to high APR credit card levels at 25%. When we still didn’t close, it became an absurd 50%. After even that didn’t work, they went full Sallie Mae YOLO at 100%. The pressure was mounting and intense, but with the help of the Allaires and USDC our CDP remained open.
The following day we received a call from the offices of Rune Christensen, the CEO of MakerDAO and Mariano Conti, the Head of Oracles, who we assume was on the call for his wisdom.
“Hello Pepe. I believe we got off on the wrong foot. We are sorry for killing Fluffypony. We may have gone overboard but we are just so passionate about decentralized stablecoins. We know that you are being protected by the Allaires, but this must be because you don’t understand why DAI is so important. If USDC is allowed to win, Brian Armstrong and the Winklevii will look good and we can’t have that, but more importantly, the government can keep printing stablecoins just like the dollar, something you can not do with DAI. So please, we beg of you, close your CDP and let DAI peg to the dollar so we can move humanity forward.”
We here at Coin Jazeera decided to stay with the Allaires and take their money.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.