This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
Last week a federal grand jury in Los Angeles, California indicted a former ICO promoter, known in the Crypto community by the alias “The Made Man,” on tax conspiracy charges after a two-year investigation led by the IRS.
The Made Man had until today to turn himself in after a judge issued an arrest warrant on Friday, but after failing to do so he has now been declared the IRS’ most wanted ICO shill after Brock Pierce and John McAfee. Our reporters have learned that upon being indicted, The Made Man abruptly cancelled his “Crypto
Whore World Tour” and chartered a private jet from the parking lot of a popular strip club in Medellin, Colombia to his home country of Uganda to hide deep in the jungles of the Congo Basin and from the wrath of the law.
In his panicked state, The Made Man abruptly shut down his Pump n’ Dump Telegram group of 15,000 members and scrubbed it of all evidence pertaining to his history as an ICO shill. Coin Jazeera, determined to find evidence on The Made Man’s dastardly deeds, searched his abandoned residence in Los Angeles and discovered a torched Lambo and the remains of burnt and unread white papers scattered across the floor.
The Made Man like many others rose to notoriety in 2017 with his infamous “ICO Spreadsheet,” which guided poor hopeful retail investors on what to invest in based off of what coins he had already accumulated in advance. The spreadsheet displayed The Made Man’s favorite ICOs in a ranked list, with his “All Star ICOs” scoring above a 90% and receiving his acclaimed “Certified Rekt” award. The Made Man guaranteed that these particular ICOs could be flipped in a week for 10-20x gains and would instantly make his followers rich so they would never have to know the meaning of hard work promoting shitty ICOs like he did. He posted daily screenshots of his portfolio on Twitter and Instagram to make people salivate at his returns and beg him to share his secrets on how to get rich quick. This was the beginning of a long standing relationship between The Made Man and the IRS and the inevitable escape to Africa.
The Made Man had become a trusted figure in the space to untrustworthy people because he was one of the few people to apply some level of due diligence to his rankings. He scored ICOs based on various factors including:
- How many Asian engineers knew how to copy-and-paste code.
- How many more transactions per second it had compared with Ethereum.
- If there were celebrity advisors.
- If the white paper was longer than two pages and read above a 4th grade reading level.
- How many people lied and said they had a PhD from Harvard .
- And finally, how many free bonus tokens they would give him in exchange for shilling their ICO.
Our reporters reached out to “Certified Rekt” project Nucleus Vision for comment but they were unavailable to speak from jail.
The Made Man’s biased stamp of approval on his ICO spreadsheet became worth a great deal and he single-handedly determined whether or not a token project and everything the founders sacrificed and worked hard for (debatable) was successful or would banish their token to the pits of hell and permanently label it a “shitcoin.” Eventually it became more important to have The Made Man’s approval than to actually have a good project.
Everything was going well with The Made Man’s plan until earlier this month when the IRS began sending warning letters to Cryptocurrency investors advising them to pay any back taxes they may owe; sparking the greatest exodus of scammers since Britain sent their convicts to Australia in 1788. The Made Man, thinking he was clever, claimed he did not owe taxes because he lost his entire fortune in a “hack” that was suspiciously live-streamed on YouTube after “brainlessly” storing his private keys on his Evernote account instead of a locked safe. This definitely wasn’t an attempt to evade taxes live in front of thousands of witnesses and escape the wrath of the IRS.
Unfortunately for The Made Man, his reading comprehension was still stuck at a fourth grade reading level like the white papers he loved to review and he wasn’t aware that Donald Trump recently signed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, which completely derailed his “tax miracle” by limiting the extent to which tax filers can take a tax break for personal casualty and theft losses.
This meant that The Made Man was now on the hook for paying taxes on the millions of dollars he earned by Pumping and Dumping shitcoins as well as the boatload of cash he earned by allowing token projects to list him as an advisor. This caused The Made Man to flee back to Uganda in an attempt to buy himself some more time to come up with a better alibi than “Evernote ate my private keys.”
The Made Man was a mistake. I regret hiring him as our Global Shitcoin Ambassador. He brought zero volume to our exchange listings and the SEC to our doorstep. I hope his plane goes down on the way back to Africa.Anonymous CEO of Crypto exchange most likely to be shut down soon
On his journey back to Africa, The Made Man reflected on his childhood, growing up as a poor African boy in Uganda. The little ‘yet to be’ Made Man idolized Nigerian Princes for their ability to successfully create genuine relationships with old and senile Westerners to build themselves a better life through wire fraud. After attending an Ivy League university and landing a nine-to-five job cleaning toilets, The Made Man had finally achieved the American Dream, however, something deep inside his soul didn’t feel quite right. This is the path that led him on his quest to Crypto ICOs.
When he arrived in Uganda, The Made Man, afraid of SEC bounty hunters, immediately signed up for an elephant safari tour to take him deep into the jungles of the Congo Basin to hide from the law. On the way, he was sidetracked when he ran into his childhood hero Joseph Kony, famous for his lead role in the documentary Kony 2012. The Made Man wasted no time convincing Mr. Kony to ICO the children he kidnapped from the villages, to create Kony Coin (KONY), a stable coin backed by Invisible Children and advised by Brock Pierce. Based off of his Tokenomics research, a horrible ICO capturing African children would make him richer than all the world’s Nigerian princes combined (and based off of Coin Jazeera’s inbox there are a lot.) The Made Man went to work adding a cast of famous ICO gurus to co-advise his project including Treyvon James and Carlos Matos.
Coin Jazeera was curious to know why the SEC still hadn’t intervened in The Made Man’s ICO shenanigans before he could cause retail investors to lose even more money, so we interviewed SEC Chairman Jay Clayton for his thoughts. “Don’t you worry, it’s all in motion. We have so much dirt on him we can put him away for three whole lifetimes. I can find him in that jungle on a manhunt in no time thanks to his lack of security measures. He still has his location sharing turned on in his Evernote app. You’d think he would learn by now.”
Our reporters reached out to The Made Man and had this to say, “I didn’t flee. I was already gone. I did not evade paying taxes. You must be jealous that you never got into any of my All Star ICOs.” Our reporters were surprised that he is also hanging out with celebrity advisors, Akon and Wesley Snipes, who also fled from the IRS to Africa and is currently tokenizing a $25m fund so he can act again after not being cast in the new Blade movie.
UPDATE 09/10/2019: Coin Jazeera has learned that The Made Man is tokenizing Kony Coin on TRON and is launching an IEO. We must disclose we have a 5% stake in Kony Coin.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.