This past week, we learned that the “Mad King of Maker,” CEO Rune Christensen, snapped and descended into insanity, repeatedly shouting “Fire them all! Corruption! Conspiracy!” Our reporters learned that he was consumed by greed, and motivated to fire everyone so only he could have sole access to the $130 million “Dev Fund,” the reserves used to pay for MakerDAO development.
Rune began as a benevolent leader, loved by all, until he was overwhelmed by the so-called “Maker Madness” brought on by an incestuous bloodline and selling 6% of the MKR token supply for $15 million to the Iron Bank of Andreessen Horowitz. As a result, he began displaying traits of intense psychopathy, insanity, and sadistic intentions, exacerbated by hallucinations, schizophrenia, gender confusion, and paranoia regarding his own claim to the executive throne of MakerDAO.
MakerDAO started out as a fully-open, consensus-driven, international, online community. The money used to develop the project was secured in a smart contract called the “Dev Fund,” a treasury that housed all of the money used by the fledging company. Like Crypto Lord Voldemort, or as he is more commonly referred to by the name “Craig Wright,” MakerDAO split the keys to the Dev Fund into many different pieces in an attempt to fairly distribute power evenly amongst the founding members, only to have Rune reappear later on to try to claim all the money for himself.
All was fine in the balance of the land until 2018, when Rune Christensen, went mad and declared himself “King of MakerDAO,” following a lucrative deal with Polychain Capital. Blind with greed, he forced the other founders to surrender their keys to the treasury or face charges of treason. Over time, Rune became self-absorbed, entitled, power hungry, and best friends with Charles Hoskinson. The once beautiful and open community had become toxic and corporate under the dictatorial rule of the Mad King of Maker. In a consolidation of power, Rune had now declared himself supreme leader and CEO of MakerDAO so that the entire Dev Fund and glory could be his, and his alone.
We sent our reporters to a local soup kitchen in Seattle to interview unemployed co-founder of MakerDAO, Kenny Rowe, who was recently axed by the Mad King.
“We were all guardians of the keys. The Lords of Maker worked together to ensure the balance of power was always kept. Once Rune became consumed by his own demons he destroyed the beauty of what we had built. Under his rule, he spent the entire Dev Fund on his own strategic initiatives. He single-handedly decided how the companies money was allocated with complete disregard for the other founders who worked just as hard and took on the risk of being arrested and thrown into the dungeons with Ross Ulbricht.”
During what was supposed to be a fun company event at the “DAI Dappy Hour,” Rune decided to make his move. He ambushed the MakerDAO employees and gave them two options: take the Red Pill and agree to give him sole access to the Dev Fund to help conquer the global financial system, or take the Blue Pill and finish their current projects and be fired. The choice was theirs.
Most chose the Red Pill but the few undecided holdouts who thought Rune had gone mad chose a third option called the “Purple Pill,” which was a secret faction that held meetings and discussed saving the company while smoking grape flavored Swisher Sweet blunts. The “Purple Pillers” proposed not firing anyone but instead letting the original founders have access to the Dev Fund to restore the balance of power and return MakerDAO to its former glory.
We interviewed Purple Piller D’Shawn James about the inner workings of the secret group, “Man, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I just saw the sign in the lobby and came to smoke some delicious grape flavored tobacco. Then these crazy kids started talking about all this Dungeons & Dragons shit and taking Purple Pills like they’re goddamn Morpheus from The Matrix. Gotta’ say that Rune guy sounds like a dick though, he needs to be checked.”
When Rune Christensen discovered the existence of the secret alliance from one of his “little birds,” he was furious. Judgement needed to be rendered. On what came to be known as the “Purple Wedding” the angry tyrant strategically placed HR staff and security guards all around the MakerDAO offices and “wildfired” everyone’s treacherous asses so that they could all at once be terminated and escorted off the premises in the most humiliating way possible.
His plan was successful and all the Purple Pillers got canned, including the CTO, several prominent core developers, and five board members.
All was going according to Rune’s plan until he was slammed in the media by a leaked internal letter from his once loyal manservant, Maker CTO, Ser Zandy Milenius, now known as the “The Runeslayer.” The shock of this letter and the news of internal conflict at MakerDAO caused the price of the MKR token to plummet to yearly lows and drew concern from users that the company could implode at any moment.
“He was once my brother. I would have taken a sword for him. But his paranoia and cruelty towards the people has grown out of control. I had to do something about it to seek justice. With me, my comrades, and these grape Swishers, we will overthrow the Mad King and restore MakerDAO to the decentralized autonomous organization it was meant to be all along.” said Ser Zandy.
Today Coin Jazeera has concluded that MakerDAO is no longer a DAO. It has instead turned into a monarchy controlled by Rune and his loyal subjects. In his evil quest for world domination, Rune is now in the process of purchasing a broker-dealer license and setting up an ATS exchange so he can make even more money from trading security tokens (the next bubble that people think they will make money in but actually won’t.)
In a final act of evil, Rune has consistently been raising the peasants’ stability fee taxes for opening Maker CDPs. The higher he raises the fees, the more taxes he collects. He says he is doing this to peg DAI to the dollar but he’s really just pegging his customers.
It is said that one day a noble and just programmer named “Rain,” will return from obscurity to fork MakerDAO, making the Dev Fund decentralized once again, and finally vanquishing the Mad King once and for all.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.