Local Children Missing After Brock Pierce Moves to Puerto Rico

Photo courtesy of Forbes.

Former child actor Brock Pierce, famous for such hit movies such as Sinbad’s First Kid and Problem Child 3: Junior in Love is stirring up a bit of controversy after moving to Puerto Rico with friends he met recently.

Locals are unsure what to do with the new neighbors the hurricane brought in. We interviewed local villager Maria Flores Gonzales Ramirez who recently had her house destroyed ironically by Hurricane Maria. 

We asked Ms. Ramirez if she knew a Señor Pierce to which she said she did not. When we showed her a photo of him she was startled:

“Ay, EOS Mio!”

“I know this man. We call him El Pato Fuerte. Everything was fine until El Pato moved in,” the wonderful, fit, and strong/independent woman told us. 

“Once he moved in things started to change. The children love to run around and play chase the ball after school but they no play no more,” she continued with a solemn expression.

“After El Pato Fuerte and his very close friends he met recently moved in we hear crying voices coming from their home. We don’t know what to do. We are scared but we can’t say anything. They contribute all the electricity to us after the hurricane. They use most of it themselves for this computer game thing they do but they give us a little.”

We managed to interview one of SAG member Brock Pierce’s close new friends:

“Yeah man Brock was king of the burn. He just had this presence about him and Crystal was really cool too. Brock brought a bus to the burn, can you believe that a BUS! We drove it all the way over here from Vegas man.”

We didn’t inform him that Puerto Rico was an island. He continued:

“We just dropped a shitload of molly on the bus and scared the locals man. It was hilarious, you had to be there. You Crypto?”

Local Blockbuster Puerto Rico branch manager Ronnie Delo, an expat from Australia, informed us that Brock Pierce appears at the store with local children continuously renting “Earth Minus Zero,” the 1996 hit comedy/science fiction movie starring himself and former Mr. Miyagi actor, Pat Morita.

Mr. Delo says he overhead Brock saying: “They don’t make movies like they used to anymore. Let’s make our own. It’ll be fun.”

When we asked about the children he asked us firmly to leave and not cause any problems. “El Pato Fuerte is a good man.”

We lost communication with our island correspondent. When we last spoke he claimed he’s “all in crypto now.” 


This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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