On Monday morning during Consensus 2019, marketing hypeman and shameless self promoter, Justin Sun, gave an “announcement of an announcement” on Twitter that TRON had a major reveal planned for later that day. We were shocked to learn that the TRON offices had been raided by the police and that it’s founder Justin Sun was arrested. We’re not sure why anyone would want to advertise their arrest, but then again, it is Justin Sun.
Justin Sun, 29, pleaded not guilty Monday in New York County Supreme Court to 15 different felony charges including conspiracy for possessing and operating an illegal gambling network for dice games, as well as two misdemeanor counts of possessing and operating an underground cockfighting circuit in the TRON office basement at Draper University, and illegally hiring prostitutes to walk the floors at his niTRON summit. He was also slapped with a restraining order from Vitalik Buterin, who claimed that Justin Sun was stalking him and leaving multiple crank voicemails asking him if he wants to come intern at TRON. He was also strangely leaving ripe avocados at his doorstep.
The TRON office was allegedly an illegal gambling den operated by the Macau gangster founders of DragonCoin, an ICO that supposedly raised $407 million in 2017 and used the money to pump TRON. We later learned that DragonCoin was created by Justin’s mentor Jack Ma, who was operating under the name “Broken Tooth.”
Police also raided Justin Sun’s bedroom at his adopted father CZ’s house, where he stored 90% of the TRX token supply on a Nano Ledger hardware wallet under his twin-sized mattress. The amount of these tokens were more than enough for the police to shut down the TRON Gambling Network for good. They later went on to congratulate themselves by stealing Justin Sun’s autographed Kobe Bryant jersey from the evidence room.
This is the biggest blockchain bust since Bitconnect in 2017. Arrested alongside Justin Sun, was Carlos Matos, the disgraced meme, who lost all of his money in the Bitconnect ponzi scheme, and later went on to shill a much more profitable Herbalife. Mr. Matos apparently still hadn’t learned his lesson about promoting scams and was last seen on stage at the niTRON 2019 conference hyping Mr. Sun’s latest pump and dump scheme and screaming “BitTorreeeeeeeeeent!” He was put into level one white collar prison where our reporters learned that he was subsequently beat with soap in a sock by all the other degenerate investors he had fleeced.
Our reporters discovered from former TRON CTO, Zhiqiang Chen, that TRON, which had masqueraded as a decentralized Blockchain, was actually a highly centralized network that only had 27 validator nodes, known as SR’s. These SR’s were elected by community voting; 1 TRX equivalent to 1 vote. We learned that Justin Sun owned 90% of the token supply, and therefore 90% of the voting power. Because of this, police were able to seize control of all 27 SR’s and pass a proposal to effectively kill TRON, thus doing God’s work.
“I told the famous Justin Sun that his story wouldn’t end well,” said the former CTO, “but he couldn’t hear me over the sound of his own voice. 90% of our transaction volume was fake. TRON can’t do 10,000 transactions per second, not even close, it’s all bullshit. That would destroy us. TRON is no more than a marketing machine layered on shit technology. It’s a shit sandwich. Justin is strong at marketing but he doesn’t have a technical bone in his body and will only listen to you if you tell him he’s handsome. If he gets caught in a lie, he just doubles down. It’s an endless cycle of doubling down. If only his lies were TPS we’d be 1000x faster than Ethereum.”
During the police raid, agents also seized servers that hosted the popular dice game, TronBet, which used the unregistered security token, ANTE, to pay out dividends from the house’s profit every week. Coin Jazeera also received word that a similar rival gambling network known as EOS created by infamous blockchain cartel Block.one, might be raided as early as Tuesday, pending a warrant. EOS Founder Brock Pierce was unavailable for comment as he was busy volunteering at a children’s summer camp with Hollywood X-Men Director Bryan Singer.
We were surprised when we received a call at the Coin Jazeera offices from Mrs. Moon, Justin Sun’s third grade teacher. “Justin wasn’t always a copy-cat. Things changed when he met that awful Elizabeth Holmes girl, who taught him how to scam while he taught her Chinese in exchange. They were inseparable, always scheming and stealing from the other children. Them and Little Billy McFarland, I don’t think they turned in a single report that wasn’t plagiarized. Elizabeth went on to start Theranos, Billy went on to start Fyre festival, and Justin went on to start a DPoS shitcoin gambling platform like all the other delinquent children.”
Justin Sun was unavailable for comment to defend himself against these allegations from prison. However we’re sure he’ll find a way to be on Twitter soon.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
EDIT — UPDATE 05/13/19
We have recently found out that Mr. Sun has started his third token project from Prison, SOAPCOIN, a way to decentralize all the ass poundings that he was receiving from the inmates.