I’ll never let you live to see a Coinbase listing you furry son of a bitch.Jackson Palmer
Bitter Dogecoin Seller
Dogecoin Co-Founder Jackson Palmer was arrested today and charged in Tokyo District Court for killing Kabosu, the Shiba Inu dog that made him famous and gave birth to Dogecoin, the meme currency that ironically went up in value to make every degenerate on the internet rich. Everyone that is, except Jackson Palmer.
Our reporters learned that the broke and bitter Mr. Palmer tracked down the docile 15-year-old dog that made him famous to his residence, a small suburban home in Japan owned by a nice Kindergarten teacher. As he was walking up the steps to the home he saw The Magical Crypto Furry Friends leaving and Charlie Lee fully dressed up in a chicken costume zipping up the bottom half of his outfit very suggestively. Jackson shrugged off disgust and entered the house to inform the sweet lady who he was. She thanked him profusely for making her family rich with the cutest scam in Crypto. In that moment, Jackson felt the rage of regret over selling his entire stash building. He was ready to boil. However, making eye contact with the adorable Doge is what ultimately sent him over the edge.
Kabosu, the Shibu Inu rockstar of memes, looked up to him with a frightened facial expression and woofed in Comic Sans font, “So angry. Such mad?” Jackson looked around confused, “Where did that come from?…and how are you able to talk with fonts outside of your head? It must be the CBD.” Without wasting a moment of time, he dragged the poor meme out to the backyard and lined him right up in his crosshairs against a bare cherry blossom tree. Jackson, reportedly sweating and covering his eyes, anxious to put the past behind him, pulled the trigger repeatedly. The smell of gun smoke filled the air.
Before he shot Kabosu, Jackson was heard shouting, “I never thought you would be worth anything. You were supposed to just be a funny joke but now I’m the laughing stock of the whole financial world. Being added to Binance was the last straw! I won’t let you live to see Coinbase you furry wanker.”
Our reporters learned that Jackson Palmer missed every single shot he fired, but sadly ended up falling on top of the legendary Doge, crushing him instantly. The homicide team quickly arrived at the scene of the crime and determined Kabosu’s death to be “impact with Jackson Palmer’s fat ass during the guns recoil.” The dog was transported to a local veterinary clinic, and was declared “Much dead,” leaving earth to ascend to meme heaven alongside former meme friend Grumpy Cat. Dogecoin’s prices continued its meteoric rise, and soared symbolically 187% as a result.
How did a cute meme dog’s fate come to this? We were determined to learn why the notoriously passive aggressive Aussie would have killed the only important thing on his resume.
Rewind the clock back six years. Coin Jazeera’s Investigative research team uncovered from frequently attending Mr. Palmer’s weekly Decentralized Friday Meetups in San Francisco that the former YouTube Vlogger and cynical Crypto spectator had created Dogecoin back in 2013 and had stupidly given away all of his Dogecoin stash to SF Charities including: Hillary Clinton’s DNC, San Francisco Poop Patrol, Heroin for the Homeless, and most notably, The Transgender Canine Association for Gender Fluid Dogs (TCAGFD).
It all made sense. Jackson would have been filthy rich if he had just held on to his Doge supply. The more he tried to destroy his creation, the more it flourished because of angry trolls spiting him on the Internet.
Jackson Palmer had it all (not much). He was your typical average Product Manager at Adobe by day and shitcoin video content producer by night where he made videos about Crypto and about also coming to terms with his oddly sexual vintage keyboard fetish. Angered by the stupidity of giving away his fortune, he worked hard to make a living wage interviewing projects he hated in the industry. He began traveling the world to attend shitcoin scam conferences and using his Twitter as an outlet to tirelessly bash the industry in the hopes that he could destroy Dogecoin, the successful meme Altcoin he accidentally created. The act of selling his coins forced him to forever watch his foes bathe in the wealth of his life long mistake. This all drove the sad Palmer into isolation. When there was nothing more he could do to stop his creation, he went dark on social media. No one had heard from Jackson Palmer in months.
Determined to find him, we tried to reach out to his fellow Co-Founder at IBM, Billy Markus, in Portland, Oregon who he originally stole the idea from, but was now nowhere to be found. It’s possible we were too late, and Jackson got to him first. It’s also possible he became very rich from his Dogecoin investment and moved out of his mom’s house but didn’t inform Jackson.
Our next best option was Elon Musk, who was oddly chosen by Jackson Palmer to become the new Dogecoin CEO after winning an ironic Twitter poll. When our reporters reached out to Musk, he had this to say, “I w-w-won the silly poll while I was high to c-c-calm my nerves from the SEC probe. I tw-tweeted that Dogecoin was brilliant and my favorite cryptocurrency and then Jackson gave me the keys to everything. I thought to myself ‘This could be fun.’ I had no idea he was g-going to murder the stupid fluffy mascot. I had planned on selling Dogecoin off to Justin Sun to secure funding for SpaceX. I was going to pump it to $420 to secure funding but I didn’t want to mess with the SEC again and get fined $250,000” Sick of hearing the billionaire stutter Coin Jazeera left the interview.
Unable to get proper answers from a high Elon Musk, we sent special correspondent Pepe Grenouille to drop in on our good friend, CZ, on the beautiful Crypto regulatory haven island of Malta. Explaining the new coin listing, CZ said, “This shitcoin is an exception. Yes, I know, there isn’t much new tech development…actually, let me see, checking Github right now it appears all the devs quit and they have no commits. They have no tech development, will you look at that. Don’t tell anyone, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. Just between you and I… this decision was more about sweet revenge. Paybacks a bitch for bad mouthing my other shitcoin project listings. He almost took me down in 2018. I hope that 37% surge following our listing of Dogecoin keeps that premature selling cry baby up at night.”
When we at last tracked Mr. Palmer down in Japan thanks to an anonymous tip, we saw the fallen CEO rocking back and forth naked in his cell muttering to himself, clearly insane. “I had millions of Dogecoin but I gave it all away to help that stupid Transgender Dog Association. Why did I have to use my heart and help the liberal causes I believe in? I could have exit scammed like everyone else, but now I’m stuck in this toxic industry as a laughingstock with a bunch of criminals and degenerates on a never ending conference circuit. I could have had it all. Why won’t Dogecoin stop pumping. It’s a joke, it’s not even real.”
Later that week, Coin Jazeera received word that Coinbase was preparing to release a big press announcement that day on Twitter. Our reporters learned that Mr. Brian Armstrong himself had personally visited Mr. Palmer’s jail cell to tell him that that he was going to be listing Dogecoin on Coinbase, following CZ’s example (Coinbase is historically always one step behind Binance thanks to Asiff Hirji)
Dogecoin fits our demographic of low-IQ unaccredited retail investors.Brian Armstrong
Brian Armstrong said with a laugh, “We are so excited to add Dogecoin to our ever growing collection of shitcoins to onboard even more really dumb investors to our amazing platform. We can’t wait for our customers to take part in this magical financial revolution and global pump and dump scheme. Jackson, I hope you’re as smart as my good friend and ex-Coinbase employee Charlie Lee and held onto your stash so you can dump when we list. I’ve got my bags ready, do you? Oh wait, that’s right, you gave it away to charity. I guess you bought into the San Francisco liberal dream didn’t you Jacky Boy? Did I mention I might get my second billion thanks to you?”
That was the final nail in the coffin. Jackson Palmer maniacally screamed in a psychotic rage and wrote “Kill Doge. Wow,” with his own feces on the walls of his cell. We called the guards and he was taken away in a straight jacket presumedly to his lobotomy appointment. Brian Armstrong left seemingly amused muttering under his breath some nonsense about global financial inclusion through access to the global shitcoin markets.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.