BitMEX CEO Arthur Hayes REKTs Users with Big Black Block
God of Cryptographic Wakanda, Arthur Hayes, CEO of Bitmex.
Have you ever “Got Rekt on BitMEX?”
A flurry of tips have flooded the Coin Jazeera inbox this week with news that “Arty’s Casino” kingpin, Arthur Hayes, has livestreamed himself pushing a big red button reading “REKT,” instantly liquidating nearly every user on BitMEX.
The controversy began with a post in the BitMEX trollbox by user “BigBlackBlock,” who posted a link to a Twitch livestream under the same name. In a stunning display of both transparency and no fucks given, the user was Arthur Hayes himself who greeted viewers with a great white smile filled with humongous glistening teeth.
“It looked like the shark from Finding Nemo,” commented BitMEX user “McAfeesWhale”. “Traders are friends not food remember?”
Mr. Hayes was seen looking right at the camera and smiling behind two shiny red buttons: one reading “LONGS REKT,” the other reading “SHORTS REKT.” With a look of pure and utter satisfaction, Arthur Hayes kissed the face of his brand new Hublot watch and proclaimed “Party time,” as he whipped out his Big Black Block.
Photo Courtesy of Pixar.
The Big Black Block, or BBB, is a mythical hammer made from rare Seychelles Vibranium. The handle, girthy and thick, is ribbed for maximum grip and the wielder’s pleasure. The head, strong and black, wields monstrous and unimaginable power. The hammer was forged from the volcanic dumpster fire of Mt. Gox by the African God of Scam, “Mr. Shilina,” during the ICO Age.
“Ar-Thor,” as he is called when wielding the black hammer, swung his BBB with great might and power onto the “SHORTS REKT” button. He then swung it over his shoulder and used the weight of gravity to hammer it right down onto the “LONGS REKT” button. Back and forth he went, again and again, pounding down both the buttons and maniacally laughing while ecstatically moaning “Oh God the volatility.”
Photo Courtesy of Sparkfun.
In the Troll Box there was chaos. Everyone’s trusty companion, “RektBot,” announced that anyone who had any Bitcoin at all on BitMEX had been liquidated. In fact, anyone who had even heard of Bitcoin at all had been liquidated. All account balances now read zero. Arthur, sweaty and tired, could now rest. “Blacked,” he thought as he sat back on his throne.
It is said that the traders’ screams heard around the world that day was biblical.
Soon after the schlonging, a pop up courtesy message appeared on everyone’s screen with Arthur Hayes’ smirking face thanking them for their donation and wishing them better luck next time. Mr. Hayes made sure to remind them to load up their account with more Bitcoin and graciously offered them information about the nearest homeless shelters in their areas.
Photo Courtesy of Amazon.
Coin Jazeera caught up with one of BitMEX’s affected users “TheWizardOfFraud” to interview him about his experience.
“I knew BitMEX was a scam from the very beginning but against my better judgement I joined anyway because I heard Tom Lee from CNBC say that I could go 100x long and become somebody. I thought I could survive Arthur Hayes’ manipulation and become filthy rich. Every trader has the dream that they’ll be able to outperform Arthur Hayes’ own proprietary trading desk that trades against them. I never thought I’d get my position wrong. Now I’m homeless and I have to sell my phone and computer to afford a room at Motel 6 so I can shower, eat a microwaved meal, and sleep in a warm bed. Good thing I live in San Francisco, it’s normal here.”
He continued on, “The BitMEX system doesn’t prepare you for a life after liquidation; there’s no educational resources on the site for what to do after Arthur. Nobody will hire you when you’ve been trading for the past five years with no job. Anyways, the person buying my stuff is here, can I call you back collect after I sell my stuff?”
We gave him a fake number.
Photo Courtesy of BitMEX
We sent our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille to the Seychelle Islands to meet a surprisingly enthusiastic Arthur Hayes who was ecstatic to do our interview. When we met Mr. Hayes he was smoking a Cuban Cohiba cigar hand rolled by a small child and surrounded by supermodels on his recently purchased Mega Yacht, “El Liquidar.” Mr. Hayes had a perfect grin on his face bigger than the Cheshire Cat’s.
“Thank you for coming all the way down here, finally there’s a news outlet that can capture the essence of this Cryptographic African Kingdom that I’ve built for myself. I’m a big fan of Coin Jazeera, you guys tell it how it is; real honest reporting. A lot of these other journalists make me look too professional, like I’m a nice guy, but I’m not a nice guy. I’m the villain. I embrace it. I love it. It gets me up in the morning.” Our reporter asked Arthur if he felt morally wrong or at risk of going to jail for illegally allowing US residents to use BitMEX, trading against his customers, and ruining the lives of them and their families, to which he responded, “Fuck no. I’m the Killmonger Black Panther of Crypto bitch. The Seychelles is my Wakanda. It protects me like a force field from regulation and the haters. BitMEX is my Vibranium and with my Big Black Block I can get away with anything!”
Photo courtesy of YachtHarbour & BitMEX Insurance Fund.
Arthur threw the remainder of his cigar into the serene waves of the Indian Ocean and gazed off of El Liquidar into the beautiful African sunset as he launched right into a speech unsolicited like most villains do. “You see, I used to work in banking on Wall Street, but I got bored with it. Too many things were legal. This, liquidating plebs, is my calling. I was born for it and it is sure a lot more fun than selling cocaine in the bathroom at work. Pretty soon I’m going to buy my former employers Citigroup and Deutsche Bank AG. I can’t wait to see their face when they realize they have a black CEO.”
Our reporter Pepe asked if there was any conflict of interest between his proprietary trading desk and owning BitMEX. Arthur Hayes chuckled, “My business model relies upon manipulation and price volatility. If we didn’t have that, there would be no Crypto. Recently I said Bitcoin was going to $50,000, and before that I said Ethereum was a double digit shitcoin. I control the narrative, and you’re just living in my game. This is my Matrix bitch, do you want the red pill or the black pill?”
After hanging out with Mr. Hayes later that evening over some expensive Rémy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII Cognac and more Cohiba cigars, our reporter Pepe chose to take the black pill (presumably just African Ecstasy). The next afternoon around 3:00PM after nursing his hangover, Pepe emailed Coin Jazeera his resignation letter and told us that he was leaving to assist Mr. Hayes in the hopes of building a better life liquidating degenerate gamblers.
We guess the old saying is true, once you go black you never go back.
Photo courtesy of Marvel
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
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UPDATE 4/17/2019
Pepe returned to the offices a few days later after being fired for touching Arthur’s BBB without consent.