Upon hearing news of the Bitcoin Halvening, hopeful new Crypto investor Chad Stephens put his entire $1,200 life savings from his Donald J. Trump Stimulus Check into Bitcoin after seeing the new awful pop-up ads displayed on CoinMarketCap by its new CEO Mr. Changpeng Zhao. Mr Zhao, commonly referred to as CZ, purchased CoinMarketCap recently with $400 Million of Chinese Communist Party money out of boredom while he was at home in quarantine and looking for junk to buy on eBay. Justin Sun, longtime nephew of CZ, applauded this purchase as his PPP loan hadn’t come in yet, so he needed another way to pump his shitcoin TRON to dig himself out of the hole from his recent botched acquisition of STEEM.
Chad Stephens consumed all the information on the halvening he could find online and was eventually swayed to purchase Bitcoin after seeing clear and concrete logic from intelligent Crypto investors including:
- It has to happen
- It’s mathematically guaranteed
- Supply & Demand
- 21 million $$$
- Hardest money there is
- You’re going to make so much money bro
- Austrian Economics
- US Dollar is inflationary
- Dude, do you even stock 2 flow?
- Money printer goes *Brrrrrrrrrr*
- Digital Gold
Eventually what pushed Mr. Stephens over the edge to become a Halvening believer was a video he saw with Kraken executive, Dan Held, who was interviewed by “The Crypto Lark”, a YouTube channel and influencer that nobody had ever heard of and would never hear of again. Mr. Lark, being the only platform that would still give Dan Held the time of day (as he didn’t know any better), provided the perfect vehicle for Mr. Held to boldly and audaciously claim a Bitcoin price of $1,000,000 a coin; a spectacular price, and the minimum threshold required to finally make Dan Held a millionaire.
Mr. Stephens first found out about Bitcoin from longtime blockchain entrepreneur Jeremy Gardner, better known as “The Bad Boy of Crypto”. Our reporters learned that Stephens applied to be a temporary resident of Mr. Gardner’s Crypto Castle Boot-Camp program, but Gardner turned him away because he wasn’t a half-naked woman and he couldn’t make money off of him from an OnlyFans account. We have since learned that Mr. Gardner plans to open up his own competitor to OnlyFans, called OnlyJeremy.
“I heard that this big time investor Paul Tudor Jones who I had never heard of until today bought Bitcoin! I feel totally vindicated. I just learned to leverage up on this website, I think it’s called BitMEX?”Chad Stephens, REKT
Reporters learned that Mr. Stephens, in his Halvening euphoria, bought his Bitcoin on Coinbase and took the sage wisdom of random Twitter accounts to open a (what he called conservative) 50x long on BitMEX. Blinded by greed and feeling like he was already a seasoned Crypto investor, Stephens needed to learn a valuable lesson in humility. He was immediately and mercilessly liquidated after the wielder of the mythical Big Black Block and BitMEX CEO Arthur Hayes, smashed down his dreams with vengeful fury as the BitMEX website went down (again) and made Mr. Stephens immediately regret every life decision he’s ever made.
The so-called “Halvening” that the hopeful investor was looking forward to, turned out to be a halvening of Bitcoin’s price as old investor whales dumped their bags right onto his young and naive head while chalking it up to “paying your dues.” For many seasoned vets, stupid investors like Chad Stephens represented the last chance they had to finally get out of Crypto once and for all and have loving families before it was too late. As for Mr. Stephens, we’re not sure anyone will be loving him anytime soon, and he’ll have to wait his turn to get off this horrible ride like the rest of us.
Our reporters reached out to him to tell him we would be publishing this article, but we received no answer. We hope he is safe wherever he is, most likely in heaven.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.
UPDATE 05/07/2020: Crypto shills have already begun pumping the next Halvening which is set to take place sometime in 2024 as there is nothing else to look forward to and hope must be kept alive. God help us all.