Last week our reporters attended Consensus 2019 in NYC where we paid thousands of dollars to listen to overpriced nonsense that we could have heard for free online. Our reporters hoped that by expending some physical effort to fly out to New York City, we would feel like we were contributing to the Crypto community and that if enough desperation and hope gathered in the same room at the same time it would somehow magically drive up the price of Bitcoin.
In traditional Consensus fashion, the most valuable conversations we had were had for free in the hotel lobby and in the men’s room at the urinals. The best of these urinal conversations was with Charles Hoskinson who was bragging to us about how well endowed he was and about the ferocity of his vigorous stream.
While we were at Consensus we received an unsolicited e-mail from a South African “Brony” who called himself “Fluffypony,” inviting us to attend his New York Furry Convention. He told us that we would have a great time with his “Magical Crypto Friends,” which included three other grown men dressed as a chicken, a panda, and a lion. Mr. Pony kept bragging to us about his new Hublot watch, which he said he purchased with an obscure cryptocurrency called Monero. We have heard of “Monero” but we prefer to use the superior Zcash cryptocurrency because Zooko paid us to say this from his Founder’s Reward.
Before arriving at the Magical Furry Convention we decided to stop by Ethereal NY in Brooklyn. We found it amusing that Joe Lubin, busy shilling the second-tier Blockchain, Ethereum, also chose a second-tier borough to host his convention. Upon setting foot at the conference we were bombarded by overzealous Eastern European
scammers community managers and Consensys employees relentlessly shilling gambling sites, random unnecessary “protocols” that had useless tokens, and our favorite, a supply chain solution to track the ingredients in male enhancement pills on the Blockchain. At one point we made eye contact with Joe Lubin, whose piercing black-eyed stare shook us to our core, and we decided it was time to leave before they sacrificed us to the pagan god Moloch and tokenized our children.
Hoping for something more colorful and vibrant, we headed over to The Magical Furry Con to learn why responsible adults would spend their hard earned money to fly halfway around the world to take investment advice from farm animals. We arrived to see a convention unlike anything we had ever seen.
We were greeted by Samson Mow (@excellion), Charlie Lee (@satoshilite), and Whalepanda (@whalepanda). They ushered us to the registration desks where we received a goodybag with various crypto propaganda and miscellaneous junk. An immediate red flag was raised for us when we saw they had included a plush toy of their animal characters in the bag, which seemed innocent, until we noticed the odd circular hole cut out of the bottom of each toy; almost big enough to fit a flashlight. We’re still not sure why they would include pre-damaged toys in the bag or what the hole was for but after walking the conference floor we think we have a good idea.
The conference was filled with notable Bitcoin superstars and famous figures within the furry community such as: Alan Silbert, Jimmy Song, Caitlin Long, Elizabeth Stark, Adam Back, Peter Todd, Luke Dashjr, and of course, Bitcoin Sign Guy, who was there selling 21 limited edition prints of his famous “Buy Bitcoin” sign which he held up during Janet Yellen’s Federal Reserve Illuminati meeting.
As we walked the floor we noticed we were being followed by a shadowy figure who was ducking and hiding behind booths. When we confronted this man we saw it was Alan Silbert who was embarrassed to be seen at Magical Crypto Con, the one conference he actually wanted to attend. He told our reporters that it was hard pretending that he liked Consensus because of having Barry Silbert as a brother and he would much rather just spend his afternoons petting the bull with the Magical Crypto Friends. When we asked him if he heard of Coin Jazeera he lit up and said it was his favorite publication and we promised not to tell his brother.
Also in attendance was infamous “Bitcoin Core Developer” Jeremy Rubin who attended the conference for three minutes before being asked to leave by WhalePanda. Jeremy pointed his fingers at the lovable Scandinavian man and said “You’re neither whale nor panda. Your whole life is a lie. You can’t be both, you have to pick one!” to which he was then violently assaulted and thrown on the street like a piece of trash. When we interviewed Mr. Panda he simply said “Don’t mind me, I’m just 25% of Magical Crypto Friends and Jeremy Rubin just ate 25% of my fist.”
To our surprise Russian fitness model Tone Vays was nowhere in attendance. Rumor has it he was banned from the conference after notable Bitcoin Maximalist Saifedean Ammous caught him accidentally eating a salad.
Our reporters felt the highlight of the conference was The Magical Crypto Friends’ keynote speech where the farm animal crypto investors sat onstage like a supreme council and demanded questions from the audience as the hopeful plebeians looked up to their meme animal gods. “QUESTION!” Samson Mow roared from his throne as Charlie Lee leaned back in his seat, too rich for humility after decentralizing his entire Litecoin position at the top of the market. Samson started licking his lion chops hungry for the next question he could mock. A scared startup engineer took the microphone in his hand, trembling in fear before the King of the Furry Jungle. “What do you think the price of Bitcoin will-”
“SILENCE!” The Lion roared. If you’re lucky, Blockstream will allow it to hit $250k. I will ask Great Wizard Adam Back to show mercy to the weak and most retail of investors.”
The bombshell of the conference was when SatoshiLite himself finally came out of the closet as a secret NANO shill and admitting that he had no remorse for what he did when putting the “future of Litecoin back in the hands of the people”. At that moment of pure honesty and savagery, thirteen hot Colombian promo models came out on stage and draped at Charlie’s uninterested feet. He looked them square in the eyes and starting flapping his arms and strutting like a chicken. We imagine that this was either some sort of cryptographic mating dance, what people do when they get super rich, or he just had a stroke. Either way — the Litecoin was sold. The Q&A interrogations went on for several more hours until the Magical Crypto Friends grew tired, weary and demanded rest and alone time with the Bull.
As we left the conference we saw a group of Bronies demanding a refund, claiming there was too much investment advice and not enough furry sex. They were outraged that they only had half a day with the bull after it was removed when Korean Cowboy Jimmy Song claimed that it was starting to look “delicious.”
That evening we were invited to 1OAK, a New York Nightclub, that the conference attendees would otherwise never be invited to, for the official Magical Furry Con afterparty. We were impressed at the juxtaposition of finance, anime, vodka, pizza, and nerds in a nightclub. We also curiously noticed Charlie Lee possibly conspiring with Phil Potter from Tether to pump Litecoin.
We couldn’t enjoy our messy Artichoke Pizza so graciously provided by fake Internet money because we were so concerned with the fate of the Bull. Whatever happened to the bull? Is he roaming free? Are the furries still going at it? Did he get eaten by Jimmy Song? There are so many unanswered questions.
After drowning our sorrows in order to stop being worried about the bull we stumbled down the stairs to drunkenly use the bathroom for the first time that evening. We were hoping we wouldn’t run into Charles Hoskinson again. Suddenly we heard some odd noises coming from a hidden backroom. We felt our way into the darkness to make out a few muffled sounds “Pump LTC,” we heard. We followed the sound to a closed door and peered through the crack and we saw it all.
It was the best conference ever. Next year we’re going to save the money we would have spent on Consensus and buy animal costumes so we can fully participate in the Magical Crypto Conference. We’ll most likely be a a pack of furry hawks.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.