It’s either us or China that is going to win the Cryptocurrency wars. Who would you rather bow to? Pick your poison.David Marcus
On Tuesday, Head of Calibra and decorated General at Facebook, David Marcus, testified before the Senate Banking Committee in an attempt to defend Facebook’s Libra Coin Cryptocurrency initiative from being shut down. This follows last week’s news that Mr. Marcus was declared public enemy number one by all government agencies around the world following his attempt to overthrow the global economy by trying to remove the US Dollar as the world reserve currency and replace it with Mark Zuckerberg’s new “supernational currency,” a fancy way of saying that “He’s the captain now.”
On this historic day, the fate of all Cryptocurrencies and mankind rested on the shoulders of the mysterious man who was representing Facebook, a corporation that everyone in the room already passionately hated after Mark Zuckerberg made them all look like geriatric morons and technologically illiterate fools during the Cambridge Analytica Senate hearing. Mark even told David Marcus to make sure he took plenty of sips of water during the hearing for dramatic effect and because lizards need to stay hydrated.
Up until now, Bitcoin was flying under the radar of politicians, who either chose to ignore it, buy it, or not take it seriously because they said it wasn’t backed by anything other than memes and Anthony Pompliano’s overly enthusiastic tweets. This allowed the “Store of Value,” to slowly gain momentum and collect a large following over the past 10 years of Libertarians, Maltese scammers, Puerto Rican burners, South Korean gamblers, and The Chinese. This was all with the intention of overthrowing the US government, replacing the Dollar, and turning the entire financial system into an economy where nobody wants to spend their Bitcoin while it keeps going up in value so everyone dies of starvation waiting for those sweet, sweet gains.
The Bitcoin revolution was going according to plan until the fateful day that Facebook’s David Marcus announced the white paper for Libra Coin, becoming the first major tech corporation to create their own blockchain in an attempt to stand up to their masters and not pay taxes. It was only Facebook who had the size and reach to leverage their network to scare the United States government. So far Tether, Circle, Gemini, Paxos, and dozens of other stablecoins had gone unnoticed by Uncle Sam. It was Facebook’s hubris that struck fear in the eyes of regulators who now needed to take immediate action to save face and their overpaid jobs. Facebook already had a large target on their back and this was the tipping point moment for politicians to finally realize the threat Facebook, Cryptocurrencies, and Bitcoin posed to the US Dollar.
The realization that Cryptocurrencies could actually threaten United States dominance caused an uproar by politicians. Suddenly everything from Bitcoin to Chuck E. Cheese tokens were branded as a “national security issue” by U.S. Treasury secretary, Steven Mnuchin, the man behind the scenes trying to kill Cryptocurrencies. Our reporters uncovered that Mr. Mnuchin also wrote the Trump tweet about Bitcoin, as it was far too coherent to have been written by The President himself.
Immediately, the government proposed laws that would ban fiat on-ramps such as Coinbase in order to stop citizens from buying shitcoins from Coinbase’s ever increasing catalog of ways to rob retail investors. In a coordinated propaganda campaign, the President, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and the Treasury Secretary all stated that Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies were “based on thin air and could be exploited to support billions of dollars of illicit activity like cyber crime, tax evasion, extortion, illicit drugs, money laundering, and human trafficking.” Ironically, this describes everything that criminals loved about the US Dollar.
Coin Jazeera has learned that with Libra Coin, Facebook is directly attacking the United States, the Federal Reserve, the IMF, and China with the goal of making Facebook the ultimate world power, and ruining the global Cryptocurrency pump for all of us. Facebook is doing this under the guise of stopping China from taking over the world, hoping that the global community and more specifically the United States will choose the lesser of the two evils to become their new masters (which one is less evil we have no idea).
For the past 10 years in their quest for ultimate world domination, China has been secretly convincing the IMF to phase out the US Dollar as the world’s reserve currency, and replace it with the IMF’s own individual “supernational currency,” called the SDR, which is a basket of the top 5 currencies in the world, unfortunately not yet including Bitcoin. China’s ploy had the goal of transforming the IMF into the “Global Federal Reserve,” taking away the United States Federal Reserve’s power to print money, and removing the Triffin Dilemma. By allowing the IMF to have this power, China would have successfully weakened the United States stranglehold on the world and allowed China’s Communist regime to seize the chaotic opportunity to become the next world leader through even more rampant currency, gold, and market manipulation.
This elaborate plan for world domination was suddenly shattered in the blink of an eye by the new sovereign nation of Facebook with the reveal of their own basket-backed supernational currency called Libra Coin, similar to the IMF’s SDR and printed by the newly created Libra Reserve. The United States and the Federal Reserve would now have to defend themselves from being overthrown by an even greater threat to liberty and freedom: the Facebook Communist Regime.
By David Marcus and Facebook playing geopolitical power games involving the United States, the IMF, the Federal Reserve, China, basket currencies, and other terms not relevant to HODLing Bitcoin or memes, they have awoken negative global attention and put Bitcoin and the world’s largest sleeper pump in jeopardy of reactionary regulation.
When we asked David Marcus why Facebook would want to create their own Cryptocurrency and draw attention to Crypto, Mr. Marcus assured our reporters that the most hated, greedy, unethical, and evil corporation on Earth just wanted to “help” the 1.7 billion people in the world who are still unbanked while respecting their privacy and not stealing their data and all of this would be “good for Crypto,” he said as he spit out his drink laughing. He also said “it wasn’t about the money,” but left out the part about Facebook being a profit driven corporation with responsibility to its shareholders who are literally “only about the money.”
Our reporters brains were on overdrive thanks to our office-issued Adderall and they realized that Calibra (Facebook’s wallet using Libra Coin) could be Facebook’s Trojan horse to eventually steal your data when they inevitably change their Terms of Service in the future like they have done in the past with Facebook, Instagram, and Whatsapp after getting the whole world hooked and dependent on their services (kind of like our Adderall guy). When we posed our concern, Mr. Marcus told us not to worry because “Calibra will be one of many Libra wallet options for customers to choose from,” and that there would be “healthy competition for users.” Again, he failed to mention that nobody else but Facebook has access to two billion users so their wallet would win by default and that they would be acquiring all the other competing wallets anyway.
Instead of just letting Bitcoin quietly fly under the radar undetected and unopposed, David Marcus found a way to monetize “Blockchain Technology” for the largest corporation on earth by creating the “Calibra Social Credit System” modeled after the national reputation system being implemented by the Chinese government but way more evil thanks to the user data provided by Facebook. By integrating with users’ Facebook data, Calibra created the ultimate social credit system and surveillance state. It suddenly made sense why David Marcus went on TV and said that“privacy is for criminals,” when promoting Libra Coin and why he previously lambasted Whatsapp founder Jan Koum for speaking out against Facebook for not protecting and encrypting user data.
So not only did David Marcus potentially ruin Bitcoin for all of us by making it an enemy in the eyes of the United States, he is creating a dystopian credit score society the likes of which the world has never seen. Our reporters don’t know who will win: Facebook or China, but we’ve started offering Mandarin classes as part of our Employee Extended Learning program just in case.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.