Ethereum Foundation Penetrated by Polkadot’s Gavin Wood

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

Tipped off by an anonymous source, Coin Jazeera has learned that members of second class Ethereum competitor, Polkadot, have penetrated the Ethereum Foundation to get revenge for their mastermind CEO, Gavin Wood, after Vitalik Buterin, UNICEF malnutrition model, stole all the credit for Gavin’s work on Ethereum, leaving the Polkadot CEO a broken man.

Polkadot was founded by Mr. Wood, the elusive programmer who created Ethereum but was pushed into the shadows and received no fame for his work after too many Ethereum Foundation members found him creepy and annoying.

For years, Mr. Wood slaved away in a dark basement writing all of the Ethereum code, creating Solidity, and writing questionable “Lolita fiction” into the source code of the Ethereum protocol. During this time, Gavin’s Russian boy genius co-founder Vitalik Buterin, was busy on stage at sold out arenas receiving all the credit for Mr. Wood’s cryptographic masterpiece. Overcome with anger that the boy was both older than thirteen and smarter than him, Gavin vowed to make it his life’s mission to seek revenge against Vitalik Buterin.

Gavin Wood in the shadows of his nubile young co-founder.

After Gavin’s tokens fully vested when Ethereum finally launched in 2015, he immediately left to start his own project, Polkadot, hellbent on revenge to finally spank the little boy Vitalik for all the years he was forced to watch him steal credit for his work. Young and naive, Vitalik was completely oblivious to Gavin’s evil intentions and he was too busy discovering his sexuality in Thailand.

Pretending to be Vitalik’s friend, and already having the full support of the Ethereum community, Gavin decided to also launch an ICO for Polkadot, reassuring the community many times that Polkadot was “not an Ethereum competitor”, but that it was “complementary” to Ethereum. This blatant lie allowed Polkadot to raise a whopping $144m from gullible members of the Ethereum community, who believed that this was an exciting project pushing forward development on their favorite blockchain. Little did they know Wood’s true intentions of betrayal and deceit.

Gavin Wood’s master plan to destroy Ethereum and replace Vitalik in the history books as “Satoshi’s second coming” was going smoothly until karma caught up with him. In November 2017, in the most ironic hack in Crypto history, a hacker named “devops199” (who Coin Jazeera assumes was Justin Sun teaching himself how to steal the Solidity code for TRON) was able to permanently freeze Polkadot’s ICO funds in a Solidity multi-sig smart contract, which happened to be coded entirely by Gavin Wood, the creator of Solidity himself. How could the inventor of Solidity not know how to correctly program his own smart contract? In the blink of an eye, Gavin Wood’s whole plan for dominance and revenge almost disappeared. 

“Oops. I accidentally killed it.”
Photo Courtesy of Justin Sun

If Gavin wanted to make sure his nefarious plan for revenge didn’t unravel, he needed to get creative. In order to get the funds back from Justin’s “mistake” and beat Ethereum, he devised a new plan to destroy Ethereum from the inside. He immediately dispatched his Polkadot employees and Russian double agents to infiltrate the Ethereum Foundation including Afri Schoeden and Lane Rettig.

First, Afri was hired as release manager by Hudson Jameson of the Ethereum Foundation. For some odd reason, Mr. Jameson didn’t bother to check his resume and see the obvious conflict of interest that was created by putting a competitor’s employee in a leadership role. What could possibly go wrong? Like the other Polkadot double agents, Afri was given a substantial amount of Polkadot tokens by Gavin and therefore had a huge financial incentive to sabotage Ethereum and make it fall behind on its development roadmap in order to give Polkadot a chance to steal market share and pump his dirty Russian spy bags.

No big deal, only a $30B network on the line

Afri quickly got to work and began carefully crafting his image on Twitter as a loyal member of the Ethereum community. He did this by correcting Bitcoin Maximalists on Twitter about the actual size of an Ethereum full node, claiming it wasn’t just “cumbersome to run,” but actually “extremely cumbersome.” Once he gained the trust of the Ethereum community by being the best Bitcoin shit-talker on the internet, he began his covert mission to destroy Ethereum from within.

First, Afri convinced Vitalik to partner with Gavin’s Polkadot and give his former friend a $5 million grant from the Ethereum Foundation to bail them out from the hack and fund development of his “interoperable blockchain.” He then purposely delayed the Constantinople update by sneaking in more of Gavin’s “Lolita fiction” into the Ethereum code that pushed development back for months. As a final Hail Mary, he tried multiple times to install a backdoor that would allow Polkadot to secretly recover the frozen $144m from the Justin Sun “accident”. If the plan had succeeded, it would have irreparably damaged Ethereum and made him rich at the same time, giving Polkadot a chance to beat Ethereum and ultimately have Gavin’s revenge.

The final task of Afri’s mission was to FUD and trash talk Ethereum on Twitter to divide and conquer the community. In a stroke of machiavellian genius, Gavin thought what better way to damage the public perception of Ethereum than to have Afri, a community leader, pretend to be frustrated with Ethereum’s technical capabilities? All was going according to plan, until the fateful day when Afri accidentally made a Tweet that exposed his evil intentions and true loyalties.

Afri you fucked up this one.

The realization hit the Ethereum community harder than Eastern European ICO community managers realizing that they needed real jobs after Crypto crashed in 2018. Afri was a double agent working for Polkadot with the goal of dividing the community. It finally made sense why he was constantly talking down Ethereum and shilling Gavin’s Polkadot chain. Afri had made a Tweet thinking it would polarize the community but he hadn’t anticipated the backlash he would receive. At once the Ethereum community became an immune system detecting a disease ready to kill the virus. The Ethereum community called for Afri’s resignation and grabbed their pitchforks ready for blood.

Afraid for his life, Afri deleted all of his tweets, took down his website, rage quit Ethereum, and vanished back to Russia to most likely be executed by Putin for insubordination. While the Ethereum community was distracted with Afri, Lane Rettig was secretly sabotaging Ethereum undetected from the inside. He is still actively working towards thwarting Ethereum’s success to this day, although rumor has it he has since been castrated by Ameen “The Salami” Soleimani, CEO of SpankChain, and a waste of a good mind who chose to go into porn.

By sacrificing his penis, Lane Rettig sparked the next Ethereum bull market.

Our reporters were wondering what Gavin Wood was up to now that his plan to sabotage Ethereum had failed. We discovered that Mr. Wood now works as a Kindergarden teacher at “Sunny Smiles Elementary School” in “Nuttingham, England (sic.)” When we caught up with the Polkadot creator he had this to tell our reporters:

“You’ve got it all wrong. I always just wanted Vitalik to notice me. I wasn’t jealous that he took credit for my work. I was jealous that he didn’t notice me. I wrote him so much love fiction in the Ethereum code but he didn’t even notice. That was the breaking point for me..”

Gavin Wood

Our reporters wished Mr. Wood success on whatever he works on in the future and for him to get the recognition he craves.

Gavin Wood is enjoying his new career as an elementary school teacher.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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