Ethereum Development Halts After Vitalik Discovers Sex

Photo Courtesy of Vice.

Ethereum was originally a fever dream in the mind of a young Vitalik Buterin in 2013. The Russian child had a dream that one day humanity might have a blockchain full of insecure smart contracts, enabling people to lose millions of dollars in new and exciting ways. The Ethereum White Paper was written in 2014, and the network was officially launched on July 30th, 2015.

But here we are now in 2019 and not much has changed with the Ethereum platform. Vitalik has gone missing and inner drama is ripping the project apart. So why? What happened?

We sent our special correspondent Pepe Grenouille to Bangkok to infiltrate the inner bowels of the Ethereum Foundation to find out more.


“They deliver.”
Photo Courtesy of Google Maps.

Bangkok is a beautiful city in the heart of Thailand, full of unemployed backpackers who didn’t study computer science and the digital nomad nerds they work for who did.

We visited a local ladyboy hangout to see what we could sniff up about why ETH Development had slowed down. Not to our surprise, we discovered several Ethereum Foundation members there looking for love.

We spoke to anonymous Ethereum Foundation member Lane Rettig to find out more about why Ethereum development had slowed:

“The early days of Ethereum were tough for the little one. Lots of white guys in suits screaming at each other and causing all sorts of drama in our autistic utopia. This was too much for young Vitalik. It had only been a few months since he had left his dad; nevertheless, we plowed forward building the future. Things were great until 2017, when the price of ETH started skyrocketing and Joe Lubin’s greed got involved. The heat was too much for V, so he did what any 160+ IQ virgin who needs to get away does – he moved to Asia. For a few months we thought this was for the best, he seemed more calm and like his old self. Then one day the Github code commits started to slow. We’re not sure what happened to him, he’s been a ghost ever since.”

Our reporters were determined to find out more and interviewed another anonymous Ethereum Foundation member, a man in a kimono who only goes by “Vlad.” He was unrecognizable to us from the last time we interviewed him in Malta, probably too much DMT.

Vlad switched up his look.
Photo Courtesy of Skrillex.

“Thailand showed Vitalik a different side of life. The parts of the world that can’t be reduced to a line of code or a scalable distributed computing platform. What I’m saying is, Vitalik discovered the power of pussy.”

Forensic analysis indicated that the anorexic Ivan Drago of Blockchain lost his virginity some time in early 2017, when Ethereum was just taking off among the masses. This experience changed the boy forever and would make sense to explain how he may have come to lose interest in his own project in the face of some rockin’ strange.

“That was the beginning of the end, man. Beginning of the end. Once Vitalik felt pleasure for the first time, it was all over,” Vlad continued. “We needed Vitalik to stay miserable, focused, and unaware of the fact that life could be beautiful and fun and comfortable so he could make us all money; that’s the deal we discussed with his dad.” We finished our interview and Vlad offered to give us a dance, as he was still on the clock for work, but we politely declined. We thanked Mr. Zamfir for his time and left him some more milk and bread; we know times have been tough for him.

Our reporters wandered deeper into the red light district to hear a familiar, excited squeal coming through one of the windows. This voice sounded familiar. We heard a nasally and breathy sound that kept repeatedly sucking in air and realized this had to be the boy himself. We peered into the window and saw Vitalik Buterin surrounded by Asian women, men, ladyboys, and animals, all draped around his feet. He had an empty expression and looked physically and emotionally drained. Our reporters went and moved the various farm animals aside to speak with the lost child.

“I’ve decided it’s rational to pursue an ethically hedonist lifestyle.” the boy said. “The relationship between me, these man-women and farm animals has created immense utility for the world. I have determined through my calculations that my phallus needs to experience far more pleasure surplus in order to properly calm my overactive mind down to be able to focus on finding a scaling solution. I expect I’ll be able to get to work some time around 2025, when I’m able to control my pent up sexual aggressions.”

“I learned this move in Thailand”
Photo Courtesy of Bank of Hodlers.

We asked Vitalik about the price of ETH in the meantime:

“The expected value of ETH is the discounted cash flow of future transaction fees. How do you think I’m paying for all of this? I’m the only one propping up the value proposition of this chain.” We looked around the room and saw random ledgers everywhere. As we turned the corner, a Thai worker shot a ledger out of an unspeakable orifice at one of our correspondents, hitting him in the eye. It all started to make sense. Vitalik was creating ETH’s first true use case in the real world.

Our reporters left Vitalik alone after getting him some Gatorade to replenish his fluids and sadly walked out of the brothel. As a reporting team, we were confused as to how we could help him. We weren’t sure how losing himself in Asian chacha was the correct answer to a scaling solution. We ultimately made the decision to respect his sovereignty and leave the unattended minor as he was and return home.

Our reporters immediately sold all their ETH.

“One in the…two in the… yeah you get it.”
Photo Courtesy of Vice.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.


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