Erik Voorhees, CEO of Swiss-based money laundering service ShapeShift AG, took the main stage at the Community Ethereum Development Conference, EDCON 2019, in Sydney, Australia to make a bold promise to the world: revolutionary disappointment.
“Launching in Q3 of this year, we are excited to bring you our absolute worst product to date. There’s no question, this is going to set a new standard for how the world thinks about disappointment.” said Mr. Voorhees.
“We really tried to draw from our existing products and experience to go all out by including everything that makes your user experience awful.”
“Back when we introduced KYC to our flagship product, ShapeShift.io, we saw in the optics that we really managed to piss off the majority of our users. We thought we could do better. We launched the useless FOX token to force people to KYC and AML and even launched a loyalty program with tiers so you could pick how badly you wanted to be schlonged. This still wasn’t enough, we knew we could do more.”
The CEO proudly stood tall, “At ShapeShift we don’t believe in settling for being the second most frustrating company in the space, so with this new product we have now made it our mission to piss you off even more and win the title of number one.”
(Our reporters later learned that the first place most frustrating company in the space is Coinbase, who has Andreessen Horowitz backing to piss their users off at scale.)
Voorhees continues, firing off the impressive list of considerations during development: hidden and high fees, minimal honesty and transparency, support for as few assets as developers could manage, rectal DNA user KYC checks, randomized deposit token burns, no compatibility with industry standard protocol upgrades, and a focus on really insulting user intelligence.
“I really take pride in a user experience that can convince the user they aren’t being reamed while absolutely pounding them. This cultural shift started with Prism when we tried to sell users on 12% annual fees and matured with KeepKey where we worked hard to be last to market in providing access to forked coins.”
When asked what exactly this latest product was, Voorhees silently smiled and declined to offer an explanation. “Just bring lube,” he finished as he got into an uberPOOL presumably on the way to Carmen Electra’s house.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.