In a shocking twist to the legendary Tulip Trust Saga, our reporters have discovered that Dr. Craig Wright, better known for absolutely and unquestionably being Satoshi Nakamoto, was unable to retrieve his private keys due to his Bonded Courier being, well, bound.
Coin Jazeera veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille discovered this while looking for some extracurricular fun in Denver, Colorado, while scouting out cheap motels to stay in for the upcoming ETH Denver 2020 conference. We gave him a stipend of 20 DAI in a burner wallet which he apparently chose to spend on a Groupon to Studio Friction, a brave and progressive Japanese Shibari Rope Sex Dungeon run by none other than Holochain CEO Mary Camacho. What he discovered there would change Crypto forever and scar him for life, literally.
After a degrading and sexually liberating 90 minute session being beaten and punished by Ms. Camacho (even worse than her Holochain investors), Pepe was parched for thirst. While getting a drink at the nearby Kombucha station he heard muffled cries coming from behind the machine. Being our top investigative journalist, our curious Pepe pushed the machine aside to reveal a sign that read “VIP Clients Only,” with a spiral staircase leading down into the executive dungeon. On the way down the stairs he casually passed by Joe Lubin getting his head polished by Ameen Soleimani, unfazed because that isn’t out of the ordinary for anyone who has ever been to Consensys before.
Pepe was shocked to discover a pale and frail man bound and gagged while hanging from meat hooks in the ceiling. Our brave and noble reporter immediately ripped off the duct tape covering his mouth to find out who this man was. “Oh thank God! Somebody finally came and saved me. I’ve been tied up here since June 9th, 2011 after Satoshi sent me here to either suffer or liberate me sexually, I’m not sure which.”
It was revealed to Pepe that this man was actually the fabled Bonded Courier who was accidentally sold into sexual slavery to Mary Camacho nine years ago while she was working for the law firm that set up Wright’s “Tulip Trust.” This was before she raised $20 million from masochistic investors who we assume wanted to experience the erotic stimulation that comes from losing money. It turns out that in his haste, Dr. Wright mistakenly signed a contract for a “Bounded Courier” instead, subjecting the poor man to a decade of sexual exploration and the divine ecstasy that can only be found through pain.
“It was terrible. She exposed parts of my sexuality I didn’t even know existed. I am now liberated and yet as naked as I have ever been.” Pepe immediately slapped him in the face and asked him the important question that was on everyone’s mind: “What happened to Satoshi’s private keys?” The courier explained that Mary had stolen the original Satoshi private keys and sold them OTC to various cartels in China back in 2013. She has since used the money to buy up all of the secret underground bunkers in Denver, Colorado to build the world’s largest nuclear-proof interconnected sex dungeon network so that the Crypto rich can get their freak on during the apocalypse.
After learning of this astonishing story, our reporters felt that they needed to tell Craig Wright in person. The Coin Jazeera team decided to immediately fly to Australia to relay this dramatic news to Mr. Wright. Before our flight, Pepe said that he would bravely stay behind because he had “unfinished business to take care of back in Denver,” which he oddly seemed a little bit too excited about. When our reporters finally met with Dr. Wright and told him that his Satoshi money was spent on Japanese ropes, sex toys, and illuminati real estate he was furious and began pelting them with Australian sized cans of Foster’s beer and Vegemite. “That wicked woman! That real estate should be mine! Fortunately, I have 37 different patents for underground sex bunkers that I will demand royalties for.” When our reporters asked him if he was concerned with the health and safety of his Bonded Courier he simply said, “No.”
Upon leaving, our reporters found solace in the fact that the Satoshi fortune had been sold a long time ago. Lucky for Mr. Wright, however, the Bitcoin SV Hard Fork on February 4th, 2020 will allow him to retrieve the Satoshi keys to the only chain that actually matters anyway, Bitcoin SV.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.