Coronavirus Infects Bitcoin Retreat, “Shitcoin Flu” Epidemic Spreads

Our news desk has just received word that there has been a tragic outbreak of the Coronavirus at this year’s Satoshi Roundtable, a formerly exclusive Bitcoin Maximalist event that once catered to the “Who’s Who” of Crypto but now caters to the “Who’s That?”

The outbreak was thought to have been caused by Justin Sun, CEO of Ethereum killer TRON, who was surprisingly in attendance this year. We were confused as to why TRON was invited to this exclusive event but learned that the organizers desperately needed to fill seats so anyone would do. Also in attendance were additional shitcoin projects such as Cardano and EOS which thankfully didn’t bring Coronavirus with them, just shame. 

Sun had come straight from TRON HQ in Wuhan, China and was initially greeted with hostility by the other conference attendees who were flabbergasted that someone was there who had made more money than them. This changed instantly when Justin sneezed in the punchbowl and the attendees became infected with the Coronavirus which mysteriously caused them all to become stark raving mad shitcoiners, FOMOing at the mouth, and taking to their Twitters to begin shilling TRON and sharing selfies with Justin Sun.

We asked our resident virologist Dr. Pompliano for his thoughts on this bizarre behavior and he advised us that some of the lesser known symptoms of Coronavirus include a complete regression to basic Crypto noob, evidenced by posting Lambo memes, asking for airdrops, shilling referral codes, posting price predictions on Twitter only to be deleted later, using BitMEX in any way shape or form, and promoting shitcoins. One of the most afflicted by the terrible virus was the venerable Dr. Adam Back who has since rebranded his Twitter account to simply “Crypto Adam.” 

Reporters discovered that once Mr. Sun realized that he had infected the conference, Sun bought the entire city’s supply of facemasks and re-sold them at 10 times the price, branded with the TRON logo, and payable only with TRX.

Where others see global pandemic, I see marketing opportunity.

Justin Sun

Unfortunately for Mr. Sun, one of the other newly discovered symptoms of the virus included telling the truth, a foreign concept to the TRON founder. That evening with the virus coursing through his body, Sun admitted that TRON was a shitcoin on a livestream to the entire world, boldly sending the signal to TRX holders worldwide, that yes, it was time to sell. However it was too late and the virus had already spread to the veteran Crypto attendees at the conference who began buying every shitcoin they could possibly find on Coinbase and Binance, resparking the bull market and bringing hope back to underwater investors worldwide.

Remarkably unaffected by the Coronavirus “shitcoin flu” were celebrities William Shatner and Steve Wozniak, who were also in attendance at the Satoshi Roundtable. Research revealed that the two men had developed antibodies to shitcoins after shilling and investing in Ethereum back in 2015.

The virus has since spread and infected North America and Europe, causing well meaning and innocent millennials to attempt to bring global banking to places like Venezuela and Africa.

We have since learned that Justin Sun has been quarantined on the Diamond Princess Cruise Ship and is currently sequestered out at sea with no medical support. We have contacted the local authorities and asked why Sun wasn’t getting immediate treatment. Authorities told Coin Jazeera that they are long BTC and have bags of Hashgraph and Chainlink that they need filled. They have also told us not to worry and that Mr. Sun has WiFi on the ship; which they will be blowing up once alt season is over and they dump their bags.

Our reporters hope that the afflicted and Mr. Sun get the proper treatment and become healthy again, preferably sometime in 2021 after The Halvening so we can fill the company coffers. Our thoughts and prayers go out to Mr. Sun and we have no doubt that he’ll come out of this better than he went in.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.