On Wednesday, our reporters were devastated to learn that convicted felon and TRON CEO, Justin Sun, tweeted that he had yet another announcement to give later that day. The anticipation sent the trolls on Crypto Twitter into a speculative frenzy, causing the price of the TRX token to pump, hoping they could squeeze one last penny out of the godforsaken token. A few hours later, the news broke and Justin Sun announced that the Chinese government had made a formal extradition request with the United States for his capture and inevitable execution. Our reporters learned that Mr. Sun was being charged with illegal fundraising, money laundering, pornography, gambling, running an illegal cockfighting ring in the TRON basement, and being a national embarrassment.
Mr. Sun nervously plead for asylum to his loyal bagholders in a live video broadcast from his San Francisco office. Visibly shaken, Sun read a script prepared by the Chinese government that seemed too good to be true because he was actually apologizing for the first time in his life for his loud mouth. We assume he did this as a display of obedience to reduce the years he would spend in a Chinese prison camp. Meanwhile, the Chinese police were currently holding TRON’s Beijing team hostage at Ho Jan Chan Exotic Meat Factory (with a sign that was written in that red font with letters that you don’t understand so you know you are probably eating some questionable meat.)
Justin read, “my immature, naive, and impulsive conducts with my big mouth and small hands, have turned [TRON] into an out-of-control, failed and over-marketed disaster and led to a significant series of unexpected consequences, including the death of my entire Beijing engineering team.” In addition, Sun repeatedly apologized to Chinese regulators, and said that he would be cancelling lunch with Warren Buffet, claiming that he was unhealthy and had kidney stones, a strategic move to most likely dissuade the Chinese government from killing him to have his organs harvested and sold on the black market.
Everyone immediately knew something was seriously wrong, as Justin Sun’s ego would never allow him to publicly embarrass himself and miss out on meeting Warren Buffet; the most important marketing event of his life. The lunch, which was supposed to change Mr. Buffett’s old bigoted mind on Bitcoin, ended up humiliating the entire industry and setting Bitcoin back 20 years (even though Bitcoin is only 10 years old.) Warren Buffet told our reporters, “See, I told you TRON was a scam worse than rat poison. Invest in something real like Coca-Cola or railroad bonds or big fake tits.”
The Chinese Communist party, known for imprisoning, torturing, and killing its wealthy citizens who screw up or flaunt their wealth, was eager to imprison the arrogant Mr. Sun and make him a statistic. In 2011 there were 115 billionaires in China. Since then, 72 have mysteriously died, with 15 murders, 17 suicides, 7 accidental deaths, 19 from illness, and another 14 executed for being ugly. Our reporters wondered if the fact that Justin Sun is still alive is because he’s not actually a billionaire or if he is just too good looking.
Our reporters have learned that several people connected to Justin Sun and TRON have disappeared or died under suspicious circumstances over the past year. Star Xu, CEO of the OKcoin exchange, which listed TRON, used to be all over the International Crypto circuit, until one day, no one ever saw or heard from him again. Rumor has it that he was sentenced to a lifetime of manual labor on a clickfarm farming gold in World of WarCraft for Brendan Blumer’s new sweatshop. Stanford professor and founder of Blockchain VC firm Dahua Capital, Shoucheng Zhang, was an investor in TRON, but died in a suspicious “suicide” last year, falling off a parking lot structure, most likely for refusing to return to China and kiss the tip of the penis of the Communist party. Could this be the fate of Justin Sun?
We have learned that Justin Sun’s social credit score has since been lowered to zero, a score so low it ranks below disgraced Bitmain founder, Jihan Wu, who has since been sentenced to forced labor as a janitor in Hong Kong’s gambling junkets, cleaning up after Chinese government officials.
As far as Justin, he isn’t allowed to travel or reproduce and will be sent to a prison camp where he will be forced to work on other people’s blockchain projects without getting any credit or fame, a punishment so inhumane, it might as well be a death sentence for Justin.
Our reporters learned that Mr. Sun has been a wanted man in China since he fled the Communist nation in 2018 after being put on the exit ban list for raising $70 million in his ICO for the punching bag of blockchains, TRON. He escaped mainland China by hiding in a container on a cargo ship that docked in Oakland, California after two weeks at sea, in which he drank his own urine to survive and as our reporters like to believe was most likely raped by dirty sea pirates. Communist officials had seemed to forget about Sun, until he engaged in a series of publicity stunts that made worldwide news including: acquiring both BitTorrent and TRONbet (now Wink) in order to launch two more ponzi schemes, accidentally raffling a Tesla to a real winner, and having the TRON office raided by protesters and police after one of Justin Sun’s Ponzi schemes collapsed. The final straw, was Justin Sun paying $4.57 million dollars to eat seafood with a 鬼佬 which translates to “rich old white man Warren Buffet”, in Chinese.
Justin Sun told our reporters that he would be minimizing his appearance in public and stop doing media interviews in order to please the Chinese government (and us); causing all TRX holders to sell their bags, dumping the price 20%. The following day after cancelling lunch with Warren Buffet, Justin couldn’t help but renege on his word and was seen at a TRON influencer party taking selfies with 10 of the worst Crypto YouTubers who were flown into San Francisco. Awaiting Justin Sun at the event was the FBI, ready to extradite him back to China. They looked hungry.
Our reporters wish Mr. Sun luck wherever he ends up and will be avoiding all Chinese restaurants until 2020.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.