On Friday, Cardano founder, Charles Hoskinson checked himself into a rehab facility near Boulder, Colorado. In an unsurprising twist to many who follow him on Twitter, he was diagnosed as a narcissist.
Scrolling through Twitter, we discovered many people in the crypto community feeling absolute schadenfreude because of this news. Pseudonymous crypto troll ‘CardanoSucksAss’ says, “Charles Hoskinson!? He doesn’t even work on Cardano anymore. All he does is use crypto conferences as an excuse to travel around the world and take selfies. He is more obsessed with his face than an Instagram butt model. What kind of self-proclaimed CEO takes so many selfies? It’s madness.” After deep investigative research into the thousands of selfies that Mr. Hoskinson posted on his Twitter, we couldn’t agree more.
During a visit to the rehab center, our reporters at Coin Jazeera weren’t allowed to meet with Mr. Hoskinson as he underwent treatment, but we did overhear him from the lobby screaming at a nurse. “The food here is disgusting. I deserve Wagyu steak. Don’t you people know who I am! I am Charles Hoskinson of IOHK, founder of Cardano, Warden of the North, I was CEO of Ethereum, I forked Ethereum Classic, and I worked at Bitshares!…” He continued to give himself dozens of titles as the receptionist rolled her eyes and shook her head in disdain. The doctor who came out to help us, Dr. Wright, not believing a word he said, shouted “Sure and I’m Satoshi, let us know when you are verified on Twitter buddy.”
Dr. Wright had agreed to do an interview with us to find out how Mr. Hoskinson’s treatment was going so far. “We’re not sure if his narcissism is curable at this stage. I’ve never seen that many selfies on Twitter from a grown man before. We are also concerned about his anger. Charles has made threats against the individuals Dan Larimer and Vitalik Buterin because he says they screwed him over and are ranked higher on CoinMarketCap. We might keep him here until we can guarantee he is not a threat to their safety and he won’t market dump his entire stash of ETH.”
After leaving the rehab facility, we arranged a call with Mr. Hoskinson’s former Bitshares employer, Dan Larimer and asked if he was surprised by the news. At first Mr. Larimer did not agree to speak wth us as he was still pretty upset about our previous article calling him a scammer. However, when we told him we had Saudi Investors who didn’t know his name yet he begrudgingly agreed. As expected from the king of Financial Massage, he had nothing nice to say about his former employee. “Charles is a sociopath. He has no technical skills and plagiarized DPoS. He’s great at raising money and riding on the coat tails of others tech innovation. He does know his angles though, I’ll give him that.”
We next called his former employer Vitalik Buterin after receiving a signed permission slip from his Father. Vitalik also had choice words for Charles. “Firing that guy was the best thing they ever told me to do. He tried turning Ethereum into a centralized, for-profit company with VC funding, and a board of directors, like the Ripple model. That narcissist almost ruined the course of history just so he could be CEO and take even more photos. Not only that, his influence caused the hard fork after the DAO hack that split the Etheruem community irreparably and lead to the creation of the lesser intelligence blockchain Ethereum Classic, just so he could again try to become famous. Then, when all that failed, he had the audacity to try competing with Ethereum with that shitcoin Cardano. That being said he really does know his angles.”
Learning that Cardano did their ICO in Japan, we decided to ask Roger Ver, a resident of Japan and anime enthusiast, what his thoughts were on Cardano. “Charles came over here thinking that Cardano would help him become a God in Japan, and he would be well-liked and praised by the people. Everybody just thinks he is a dick. He doesn’t even show up on time to things, most of the time he’s just taking sticker photos with the high school girls in Harajuku”
When we asked Mr. Hoskinson’s caretakers for a selfie to use for the article we were told he was placed in a straight jacket after stealing a staff member’s phone to tweet pictures of his meals.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.