Burning Man Saves Bitcoin Price After Emergency Crystal Healing Ceremony

Photo courtesy of @johncurley

Using the power of love, the light of consciousness, and lots and lots of drugs, the 2019 Burning Man crowd was able to successfully use white magic and the blessings of Mother Gaia to rally the price of Bitcoin after last weeks short dip below $10,000/Bitcoin. Through a combination of crystal healing ceremonies, sound baths, and stroking their physical and metaphorical Kundalinis, the Burners either awakened the generous abundance of the universe to save Crypto, or some random fund in New York bought a few extra coins this week and Burning Man took it as a sacred meaning while high on Magic Mushrooms.

“Align your chakras properly and the universe unfolds to you.” – My Fortune Cookie
Photo credit

Our reporters learned that it is tradition in Burning Man to go into what is referred to as “The Temple” and write down your largest grievances on bits of paper and post them to the walls in a safe space where everyone can take a temporary break from partying to cry and mourn for the price of Crypto. We sent our now very veteraned reporter Pepe Grenouille to take part in this strange custom. When we asked him what kind of grievances he saw he said there were mainly bits of paper that read “Should have bought in 2011,” “Should have sold in 2017,” and “XRP The Standard.”

On the final day of the Burn, the Temple is literally set on fire, burning down the entire structure, all of the grievances left inside, and all logical arguments for how Burning Man is about “sustainability.”

Our reporters learned that the price of Bitcoin had crashed at the beginning of the Burn due to dark magic being performed by the EOS camp. Chaotic Neutral Dark Warlock Brock Pierce had arranged his Amethyst crystals in a counter-clockwise Chestahedron formation, a big no-no in the healing community. This nefarious action (along with telling all the members of his camp to sell their remaining EOS) triggered a massive market-wide Crypto sell-off setting the price narrative back one whole week.

The dark arts were quickly combated by the other camps, who after smoking too much DMT with Vlad Zamfir at Camp Decentral, claimed they could literally “feel the markets.” With an emergency White Light Crystal Healing Ceremony, the collective will of the people for a future where they too could live like Brock Pierce counteracted the dark magic and sent the price of Bitcoin skyrocketing to only a few dollars higher than it had previously just been.

Our “Goddesses” found jobs after Crypto.
Photo courtesy of Instagram.

The elation from seeing the price go up combined with the LSD led to a playa-wide drug-filled orgy that lasted for two hours until everyone got bored. To our reporters surprise, Blockchain Playboy Jeremy Gardner did not participate this year, but was instead praying in the corner to Jesus Christ for forgiveness after reforming his life and image earlier this year.

Coin Jazeera has now invested in Health Clinics in San Francisco in preparation for all of the people who return home with “burning sensations” in their urinary tracts. We have also begun advertising at “Decompression” parties, which are basically a month of less cool parties than the ones at Burning Man to help people transition back to the real world and ween off whatever drug habit they just picked up at the Burn.

For the ones who can’t properly transition back we heard the CEO of Blockchains LLC is still trying to build his utopia on an Opportunity Zone in Nevada and is looking for women to become “Mayors” of his new city. Insider tip, we think “Mayor” might mean something very different in this case so do your own research.

Have a feeling it probably won’t look like this.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.


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