On Wednesday evening, after enduring twelve long and grueling days of Puerto Rico’s controversial “RickyLeaks” scandal, Puerto Rican Governor Ricardo “Ricky” Rosselló announced his formal resignation when his private Telegram chats were leaked by Brock Pierce because he was upset that Ricky wouldn’t let his tribe burn a giant wooden man in Old San Juan town square every Sunday morning for “Brock Appreciation Day.” San Juan Mayor, Carmen Yulín Cruz, praised the conquistador and local white savior, Señor Pierce, as the man next worthy to take the throne and become Governor. Our reporters learned that the two had bonded at extravagant sex parties where they had discussed plans to use the identities of Puerto Rico’s deceased citizens piled up in the morgue from the aftermath of Hurricane Maria to create fake users for the EOS blockchain.
Señor Pierce seized the opportunity and invited all media to join him that evening for a public press conference to be held from the balcony of his 400 year old Masonic Temple, nicknamed “The Monastery,” in Old San Juan. Our reporters learned that the temple was given to him by his Freemason brethren as a gift to mark the 400 year anniversary of his ancestors arriving in the New World on the Mayflower and successfully “liberating” the Natives for the United States four centuries ago.
That evening at exactly 11:11 PM, Brock Pierce’s grand balcony windows swung open wide and our reporters were finally given the first glimpse of the infamous human top hat emoji. He valiantly jumped up on his golden booster stool and hovered above the four-foot tall balcony railing to make his monumental announcement to a sea of aggressively horny male Burning Man expats and Puerto Rican citizens with pitchforks exercising every ounce of self control to not spear their oppressors right then and there.
“Everybody, thank you for joining me here this evening. First of all, I’d like to thank our friends at eToro for sponsoring this event. Tonight, amongst my most devoted followers, I am officially announcing my intention to run for Governor of Puerto Rico in 2020. As your benevolent dictator… I mean leader, I will finally be able to bring you the women I promised to you long ago back in 2017, so that my Act 22 brothers can finally reproduce and outbreed the locals to price out the rest of these savages. You’ve worked hard growing pot for me on this godforsaken island, but do not worry any longer, your reward is within reach. Not many women have cared about our amazing Act 22 tax benefits as none of them invested in Bitcoin early, but hey, we love our women in Blockchain. Today, I am a man offering you a solution. Vote for me, and as your Governor, my first order of business will be to legalize all drugs, specifically Ketamine and MDMA as part of Puerto Rico’s newly established “Consciousness Program.” This will bring the women in droves so that we can groom them to be fun, playful, and willing by using unicorn imagery, the allure of social climbing, and gratuitous use of the colors pink and purple. I’m calling this program the G.E.O. Star Initiative.”
Brock Pierce then invited a wild and hairy naked woman on stage, presumably to talk about the program. She instead went into a wild and random psychotic tirade and exclaimed to the crowd, “Human kind’s greed and perversion has turned this abundant new Bitcoin model into a mockery of its creation! We are starting all over again with EOS and this time it’s going to be done right! Satoshi’s back, back, back, back again. Bitcoin is going to zero.”
Brock nervously snatched away the mic and doused it in hand sanitizer. The crowd erupted to a mixture of applause and anger. The locals began pelting the crazy woman with coconuts and praying to God to save their land.
Brock continued, “Sorry everyone, she’s just too woke. My next priority as Governor will be to re-segregate the island and create Opportunity Zones for my people, and my people alone. This will enable my Mayan Warrior tribe to live a more lavish homeless lifestyle, while keeping the vibrant Puerto Rican culture rich and alive, and as far away from us as humanly possible. Some of you may have heard rumors about a new city currently under development. I am here today to confirm those rumors and tell you that I will be creating a new city called “New San Juan.” It’s going to be exactly the same as Old San Juan, but way more lit. It has been my Manifest Destiny to conquer Puerto Rico, fulfilling my ancestors’ life long dreams. My great-great-great-many-more-greats grandfather, the first man to step off the Mayflower and stab an Indian, would be so proud of me.”
Immediately following the campaign announcement, our reporters were curious to learn how some of the women felt about Señor Pierce’s comments. We sent veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille disguised as a stinky sound bath healing instructor to interview one of the few women on the island about how she felt about the whole grooming situation in Brock’s comments.
“They’re just ignorant and they don’t understand. The men think they’re controlling us but they’re not. We’re badass bitch, combat boot wearing, radiant fucking goddesses, with celestial vagina energy so powerful, you’ll burn. Nothing can contain us.” When we pressed her to explain how that jived with her living for free off of those same men, she told us to get out and ended the interview immediately.
Our reporters reached out to the Brock camp for further comment on what he plans to bring to the turmoiled and chaotic island if elected Governor. His first order of business will be to improve the telecommunication infrastructure in Puerto Rico by forcing all citizens to use Block.one’s Voice and Sense.Chat App, and banning all competitors with a giant firewall. Secondly, he plans to get Elon Musk really, really high and have him commit to bringing solar power to the island. Finally, after the failure of his not-so-Noble bank, he plans to kidnap a long lost and retarded Medici family member and leverage his brand name to start a new Puerto Rican Central Bank, “Bank of Pierce.” Our reporters have also learned that he plans to use the U.S. Military’s newly designated Opportunity Zone to build a tax free internment camp for the local Puerto Ricans.
Our reporters are now considering moving to Puerto Rico to live under Señor Pierce’s governorship as New San Juan is sounding pretty amazing. Our only concern is if he kills our reporters before we can become his friend.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.