Earlier this evening, Coin Jazeera special correspondent Pepe Grenouille accidentally stumbled upon the leaked transcript for The June 1st Block.One Announcement Speech being held in Washington D.C. He raced back to the office immediately to publish this for you. We are proud to present THE EXCLUSIVE SPEECH TRANSCRIPT.
From the office of Brendan Blumer
Press Release 6/01/19 – Washington D.C.
Block.One Special Annoucement
To our valued EOS Community, Block.One stakeholders, BP cartels, and the World,
Many of you have been speculating at what today’s announcement could possibly be. Thank you for driving up the price and providing liquidity to exit our final remaining EOS positions.
You may have thought today’s announcement was in regards to Tether’s migration to EOS, the Coinbase listing of our token, or a new Twitter application. It is not.
You may have thought we were announcing a partnership with Facebook, Apple, or Google. We are not.
You may also have thought we had integrity, we do not.
It is with great privilege that I, Brendan Blumer, CEO of Block.One, am proud to announce that today, June 1st, 2019, “We got away with it.”
*wait for applause*
It’s been a long road for Block.One. There were moments when we were afraid we would be held accountable, but with the help and guidance of our trusted and loyal CTO Dan Larimer, who has had four successful “exits”, we were able to achieve our mission of making as much money as we possibly could.
I would like to personally thank Dan for teaching us how to persevere in the face of legitimate questions and common sense logic from our investors. He is the benchmark by which we measure our success.
It’s been a long road as you know. We did a year long ICO for a project we knew would never work; but we endured. With your money, we raised $4 billion, the largest financial raze in history. We are indebted to every non-accredited VPN user from the United States for believing that we could overtake Ethereum. We didn’t, but thanks for believing anyway.
We must take this opportunity to thank our strategic advisors at the IRS, Deutsche Bank, and ShapeShift AG for teaching us the best practices for concealing theft and money laundering on a global scale. We would also like to thank the SEC for looking the other way and we hope our $250,000 donation will buy excellent jerseys for their softball team. Go SEC Chestahedrons!!
We also need to give a special thank you to our community manager Brock Pierce. By building a sex cult through orgies and drugs, we were able to spark interest from the city of Los Angeles and famous celebrities including Harvey Weinstein and Bryan Singer who helped bring the message of EOS to the world.
It would be selfish to make this event entirely about ourselves. We also want to congratulate our investors and friends Peter Thiel, Jihan Wu, and Michael Novogratz for taking a chance on this wild idea and timing their exits at the top perfectly for a whopping 65x return! How do they keep doing it?
*look around suspiciously*
I’m just kidding, it’s me.
We would finally like to thank our friend Justin Sun for making it possible to get away with whatever we wanted while all the negative attention stayed on his centralized DPoS blockchain instead of ours.
That’s all I have to share today. We don’t have any other news. As for your money? It’s parked safely in the Cayman Islands and in U.S. Government Bonds making a comfortable yield.
In the words of our friend Dan Larimer, “Keep calm and scam on.”
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.