Bitcoin Virus Spreading, Anxiety Disorders at All Time High

We are sad to report that our decorated reporter Pepe Grenouille has recently fallen ill complaining of body pains and aches and upset digestion. After checking him into Nakamoto General Hospital we were shocked to learn that he had fallen ill with both BTC1 and BTC2 inflammatory autoimmune disease contracted after the emotional bull and bear rollercoasters of 2017-2019.

BTC1 and 2 attack a compromised immune system weakened from years of watching ones entire future swing up and down in 80% increments in any given 24 hour period. The immune system, already weakened, tries to bolster its self-esteem and create antibodies by watching Trace Mayer videos on YouTube and selectively following the loudest Bitcoin bulls it can find on Twitter; re-tweeting and multiplying the bullish narrative in an attempt to heal itself.

If you or a loved one has made this face…get help.
Photo courtesy of HonestBettingReviews.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has recently classified the BTC immunovirus as a new epidemic; creating the new category of “Crypto” in addition to the current categories of Bacterial, Viral and Fungal. When our reporters asked who we could speak with to better learn about this horrible disease they told us to reach out to Dr. Anthony Pompliano, one of the originally afflicted and earliest cases of BTC, and also known as “Patient Zero.”

We visited Dr. Pompliano, longtime BTC1 & 2 survivor to hear his thoughts on the virus. The longtime advocate for BTC awareness has been vocally relentless when warning the masses of the cryptographic epidemic after becoming infected in early 2013.

The virus is spreading! Get tested!

Anthony Pompliano, BTC Survivor.
One of the earliest images of BTC Patient Zero. Note the 1000-yard stare.
Image courtesy of BTCNN

“The BTC virus is very difficult to live with. While you can never fully cure the virus, the best you can do is manage its symptoms. The Coinbase clinic alone has already reported 30M+ cases of BTC across 102 countries. That means you or a loved one you know may be suffering from this malady. Symptoms may include: antisocial behavior, compulsively checking your phone hourly or minutely, being immediately emotionally affected by whatever you just saw on your phone, loss of important family and friendship connections, lack of sex drive, atrophy of important muscle groups and nerve endings involved in daily functions such as moving or thinking, and an overall grumpy attitude.”

We asked Dr. Pompliano if there was any hope for those with malignant BTC, “The best you can do is get the afflicted back out into the real world. Remind them that people work for a living and money isn’t free for everyone. Show them love and compassion and the importance of healthy, nurturing relationships. The afflicted will be very resistant to what we in the health community call “reality,” but overtime you may see marginal improvement.” Dr. Pompliano again reminded us that BTC was a lifelong disease. When we asked Dr. Pomp how he personally handled his own infection he responded simply with “Lots of cocaine and posting on Twitter seems to minimize the flare ups.”

When we asked what would happen if someone were to sell all their crypto and get off of the emotional rollercoaster, he told us that quitting cold-turkey would be a systemic shock and lead to possible existential despair or mental breakdown. Furthermore, he explained that “once you’ve had a position, you will continue to check the price for the rest of your life, so unfortunately, selling is futile.” He suggested the best strategy for managing the illness could be to titrate off of Crypto by selling a few coins here and there, but the effects would be marginal at best.

We thanked Dr. Pomp for his time and left his office at the local WeWork.

We have every hope for the recovery of our reporter Pepe Grenouille and are very thankful he didn’t come down with the instantly fatal BCH or BSV viruses instead.

RIP. It could have been managed.
Photo courtesy of Coinspeaker.

EDIT 08/19/2019: Our reporters have learned that Mr. Pompliano is not actually a medical doctor and instead received a PhD in “Bro Studies” from Arizona State University Online. In the interest of unbiased journalism we have added this addendum to the article.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only


Subscribe to Coin Jazeera for articles right to your inbox