On Thursday, July 11th, in a shocking global first, beloved President Donald J. Trump rocked the world by becoming the first sitting President to tweet about “Bitcoin,” the devil currency used to “facilitate drug trade and other illegal activities,” to his audience of over 61 million followers. We wanted to take offense to his statement but we couldn’t when we looked around the office and realized that most of our editorial staff were on drugs paid for with Bitcoin.
Following the talking points that Nouriel Roubini sent over earlier that day, The President called the currency the tool of low energy criminals and losers, claiming its value was based on “thin air,” and that it was highly volatile. To our reporters’ surprise, Mr. Trump was not referring to the United States Dollar, but instead to the millennial’s not-so-subtle revolutionary tool to become rich, Bitcoin.
The cesspools of Twitter instantly roared to life over news that the President had just tweeted the B-word, and not the other B-word that he normally calls women. Conservative Bitcoiners were left speechless with the cognitive dissonance that their hero, the man who literally memed his way into the White House, Mr. Toxicity himself, Donald J. Trump, was NOT a fan of their favorite thing.
“I thought he was one of us!” cried Bitcoin Maximalist Samson Mow. “How could he not like Bitcoin? I mean, he likes memes, I like memes. Nobody likes him, nobody likes me. We have so much in common. Why doesn’t he want to take down the United States government like me?”
Our reporters were in disbelief that America’s autistic intelligentsia could be so emotionally retarded as to not understand why an acting United States President would not be “down” to see his entire administration and the fundamental integrity of the United States’ dollar and financial dominance be undermined by supporting a nerd’s toy thats sole purpose is to usurp power away from nation states and create a new class of global elite outside of all government purview. How could the President possibly not want to support this? What a dick.
How could he not love a completely trackable public financial database that records every financial transaction ever made and provides no anonymity whatsoever. What the fuck?Dan Held
Some caveman who tied his identity to Bitcoin’s success.
We felt that in order to truly understand public sentiment around the President’s bold declaration, we needed to collect views from all sides of the political spectrum and their respective opinions on what this tweet meant for Crypto. The Liberals, too busy praying for Ethereum and ERC-20 tokens to come back from the dead, seemed to pay no attention to the President’s tweet, viewing it as general entertainment while they quietly continued their mission to reform accreditation laws by approving Regulation A+ for token sales to rob the dumb and poor because robbing the dumb and rich with Regulation D wasn’t enough. The Satanists, busy working alongside the Illuminati, Free Masons, and Hollywood Sex Offenders to shill EOS were also quiet on Twitter, too busy preparing for Burning Man in August and roleplaying as hedge fund managers. This left only the loudest and most
annoying passionate group to be found on Twitter: The Bitcoin Conservatives.
We reached out to Saifedean Ammous, author of “The Bitcoin Asshole” on Twitter to share his thoughts on The President’s tweet but he was unavailable to be reached for comment. When we probed as to why the popular Bitcoin Maximalist cult leader would not speak with us, we learned that Saifedean had been hospitalized for an emergency colorectal surgery to remove the 15 pounds of compacted fecal matter that had been festering in his colon from his all-steak “Carnivore Diet”. We guess that’s what the maximalists mean when they refer to “Toxicity.”
Determined to understand the impact of the Trump tweet, we needed to get into the mind of a Bitcoin Conservative Maximalist. We sent our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille to interview Andrew Torba, CEO of GAB.com, the conservative social media platform that exclusively uses Bitcoin to ask him how he felt about the President’s statement. GAB has quickly risen in popularity to become home to flat earthers, anti-vaxxers, climate change deniers, Alex Jones fans, and the most evil of them all, Bitcoin Maximalists.
“How can we support Donald Trump if we can’t even use Bitcoin to process our payments for GAB,” said Mr. Torba. “The damn Clintons and the Obamas already banned us from PayPal, Google, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and PornHub. If President Trump takes away our Bitcoin too, it’s the end of free speech and we won’t be able to get him reelected in 2020 with our Russian commissioned memes.”
When our reporters suggested that he could use Ethereum instead, Mr. Torba said, “What do I look like some sort of San Francisco pussy? Bitcoin is important to our cause because it gives people back their financial freedom and allows us to run our business the way we want, with no fear of influence or oversight. That and these Bitcoin bags are really heavy and I bought the top.”
When we reached out to the Trump administration for further clarification on why President Trump hates Bitcoin, we were given a surprise personal call back by the President himself telling us, “Listen, let’s clear this up. I actually really love Bitcoin tremendously. Bitcoin is fantastic. Really, really great technology. We really have the biggest, best, most beautiful blockchains. I’m a fan of Mr. Satoshi Nakamura. We’re friends. Fantastic guy. I made that tweet so that the fake news media would pick it up and make the Democrats like Bitcoin since they have to disagree with me on everything I say. Baron taught me about this stuff during the campaign. He’s good with the cyber.”
We ended the call confused and impressed that our president may have outsmarted us all.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.