Bitcoin Futures Launched, Price Immediately Shorted BAKKT to Zero

Photo Courtesy of Fortune Magazine. This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

Bitcoin Maximalists and Crypto Enthusiasts were in rapture at the announcement of the BAKKT daily and monthly futures contract launch on Sept 23rd. The air was full of electricity and hope that this would finally be the missing piece to enable the mythical “institutional money” to finally enter the crypto markets in a safe and regulated way. All across Twitter people shared their jubilation that finally big money would now have a chance to gamble with Crypto and pump the price of Bitcoin to the proverbial Moon. The people were wrong.

Within the first fifteen nanoseconds of the BAKKT launch the price of Bitcoin was immediately shorted down to $1000 causing a cascading sell-off into all the altcoins and mass suicide and hysteria in the streets. Coin Jazeera’s first instinct was to check on the welfare of Charlie Lee, who we can confirm is safe and rich and has still sold his entire stash.

Our reporters were curious why Crypto enthusiasts hadn’t learned from the launches of the CME and failed CBOE Bitcoin futures contracts, both of which caused an immediate sell-off on the day of their launches. We were not surprised to learn that the desire and hope for anything that could possibly pump the price had blinded crypto holders universally to the fact that futures markets have been traditionally used to tame speculative assets such as Gold and Beanie Babies, and create cartels that manipulate prices as they see fit. In other words, the masses were drunk on Moonshine.

“We will tame the Bitcoin markets.”
Leo Melamed — Chairman Emeritus of The CME Group
Photo courtesy of Coindesk

We reached out to Jeffrey Sprecher, one of the founders of BAKKT, and also the founder and CEO of ICE (Intercontinental Exchange), which owns the NYSE for comment.

“I didn’t expect this Bitcoin thing to take off the way it did. I was just looking for a way to give my wife Kelly Loefler something to do so I put her as the CEO of this company I made up called BAKKT so I could own the Millennial generation as well as the Boomers. We know its trendy to misspell words with you kids so we called it “BAKKT” to literally tell you we were going to short it back to zero. Plus, I missed out on E-Sports and Fortnite and I know people like spending money on virtual nonsense so here we are now with “Digital Assets”. God help us all.”

When we asked how he intends to compete with offshore derivatives exchanges such as BitMEX he laughed and said, “Arthur? We sent the CFTC after him to pave the way for us. We wanted to create the illusion of instability so the real traders come BAKKT home to the USA and to Daddy.” He then told us he needed to get going because he had a secret Illuminati “Bald Cabal” meeting with Joe Lubin, Mike Novogratz, Brian Armstrong, Jeremy Allaire, and Mr. Clean.

“We are looking forward to unlocking the power of “Digital Assets” to unlock more money to our business.”
From left: Kelly Loeffler (CEO of BAKKT), Jeffrey Sprecher (CEO of ICE)
Photo courtesy of 21-btc

Following the launch of BAKKT and the construction of the Crypto HODLer Memorial in Malta to remember the suicided traders from the day of the futures contract launch, we reached out to Gabor Gurbacs on Twitter who had his life’s work in the VanEck ETF destroyed by the SEC and CBOE but he was unable for comment as he was busy drinking his sorrows away under a bridge and lamenting all the times he pretended to like his boss on Twitter to get his project approved.

“The Bald Cabal”
Meet the new masters of Crypto.

When we last checked in on all of the affected HODLers and traders following that fateful day we were saddened to learn that they were mostly still unemployed. We interviewed Mr. Michael Nye (@MrMichaelNye) on Twitter, the voice of the Crypto Trader community, who was quick to remind us that he was still sober before we even had a chance to ask him a question. After we dealt with enough of his baggage to get to the interview we learned that most traders had foregone employment since 2017 in the hopes of making it big in Crypto and now had unexplainable gaps in their resumes, making them unhirable. Following the launch of BAKKT most traders were forced to live on the welfare of the Government or their parents and couldn’t get work in the fast food industry citing the reasons of “technological unemployment.”

They lost their jobs to a VeriPhone.
Photo courtesy of McDonalds.

Our hearts go out to all of those affected by “The Great Short,” and wish them the best. Our reporters suggest the affected try voting for Andrew Yang in the hopes of securing a Universal Basic Income to survive in the new world.

It’s your only shot at free money since January 3rd, 2009
Photo courtesy of South China Morning Post.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.


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