There are concerns if we do a rollback on Bitcoin. It may have negative consequences in terms of destroying credibility for Bitcoin (and ourselves.)CZ
The world was shocked Tuesday when respected shitcoin casino kingpin, Changpang Zhao, better known as “CZ,” announced on Twitter that his Crypto exchange, Binance, had been REKT to the tune of 7,000 BTC or $42 million, proving that the funds were in fact NOT “SAFU.” This incident resulted in Binance, once regarded as Crypto’s most impenetrable and secure honeypot, to lose customer trust to its rival Coinbase, the only remaining exchange without a major hack and now with the world’s happiest CEO. The news that Coinbase was relevant again crushed the soul of every troll on Twitter who wished that they too could start a successful exchange and sell out their customers’ transaction history to the IRS for cash.
Like a fly on a turd, notorious scammer, Justin Sun, creator of popular dice game gambling platform TRON, quickly came to the defense of his adopted father CZ on Twitter by claiming that he would reassure Binance’s customers that their funds were safe by personally depositing $40 million but only to pump the coins he already owns and his own ego.
Around the same time the news of the hack broke, a 7.2 magnitude earthquake hit Northern California with an epicenter at the Coinbase Office located in San Francisco; more specifically Brian Armstrong’s desk as he laughed maniacally while watching his competition burn alive. “We’re back baby,” he smirked to himself as he shaved the top of his head while staring at himself nude in the mirror of his office.
Our reporters e-mailed Mr. Armstrong for comment on the Binance situation and received a prompt response:
“For years and years I’ve been telling everyone, it’s all about security but Andreesen Horowitz and Balaji kept forcing me to list a bunch of shitcoins on Coinbase this past year in order to compete with Binance, and so that their institutional investor friends could have a way to sell all their illiquid tokens by dumping on our retail investors. All I ever wanted to focus on was making sure that customers could trust me with securely holding their coins so I can run a fractional reserve and lend them out for interest. I always said that listing shitcoins was a distraction to my security efforts. I admit that I now take great joy in having the last laugh. That midget CZ’s exchange is on fire and all roads lead back to Armstrong.”
Coin Jazeera discovered that the Binance hacker was able to get away with his elaborate heist by planning it over the course of a few months. The hacker first compromised seven different individual user accounts by using a combination of social engineering, phishing, viruses, and good old fashioned sexual blackmail. Our reporters learned that one of the compromised accounts belonged to none other than god-of-scam, Ian Balina himself, a master of security minimization. We had hoped that Mr. Balina had learned his lesson after the time hackers “stole” the private keys he stored in Evernote but we underestimated his stupidity (and we accounted for a very large margin.) After hacking into the Binance hot wallet, the hackers proceeded to drain 1,000 BTC into each of the seven accounts before transferring the coins off of the exchange and into their own wallets, making that the most Bitcoin that will ever touch Mr. Balina’s personal account.
The hack drained the entire Binance hot wallet of 7,000 BTC, accounting for 2% of total Bitcoin held by the exchange. We were shocked by the thought that Binance has ~$2 Billion under custody in Bitcoin alone.
In our search to uncover why a theft of this magnitude went undetected without triggering any alarms, we learned that CZ had recently hired Mark Karpeles as Binance’s new Head of Security. After losing the life savings of countless nerds during the early Crypto days and getting buff in preparation for his upcoming prison sentence, the former Magic The Gathering Exchange CEO applied for a job with Binance, the only Crypto company with a CEO oblivious enough to not recognize him. Upon being hired, Mr. Karpeles was told that his only responsibility was protecting the Binance hot wallet from hackers and The Russians. He failed. We found out that the extent of his security measures was an all lowercase password that read: “frappuccino.”
Following the hack, CZ immediately did an AMA on Periscope to stop the FUD and reassure the anxious citizens of Binancia that their funds were “safu.” Little did he realize that his attempt to use transparency to calm the situation down would explode in his face worse than a green card marriage to keep an ICO Community Manager living in San Francisco. In a shocking display of unfathomable carelessness, CZ, proposed retrieving the hacked funds by bribing 51% of the mining community to “reorg” the Bitcoin blockchain. We were shocked that this was an actual serious consideration and that it didn’t come from Craig Wright’s Twitter account.
A “reorg” entails rolling back the entire blockchain to undo a transaction, or in this case, Binance’s reputation. It is technically possible but considered heretical to the Bitcoin community because it allows double spending and destroys Bitcoin’s most important characteristic:
the pump immutability.
Once the de facto leader of the industry, CZ had now become the enemy of the people. But how did this happen? We couldn’t help but wonder why CZ would have made such a reckless mistake. Our reporters dug deeper and what we discovered was something far more shocking and sinister than we could have ever imagined.
Mr. CZ had unknowingly filled his trusted Twitter counsel with several undercover Bitcoin Cash double agents who had the intent of infiltrating Binance and destroying Bitcoin from the inside of Crypto’s most powerful exchange. During CZ’s most vulnerable moments after the hack, Jeremy Rubin, a covert BCH spy masquerading as a Bitcoin Core developer saw his opportunity to wreak havoc by offering his “friend” a “solution” to retrieve the hacked funds.
The Binance CEO had been tricked and used as a pawn. The public consideration of the above tweet immediately backfired on CZ who displayed the first ever cracks in his perfectly crafted persona. How could the most influential person in blockchain be so naive? CZ pretended to change his mind about the reorg like a benevolent King showing mercy to the plebeians by not destroying Bitcoin, but the damage had already been done. Bitcoin holders had already fled from Binance to Coinbase to exchange their Bitcoin for Bitcoin Cash, in hopes of finding a more immutable chain.
For the first time in Binance’s history, the Maltese exchange had faltered. Frantic and most likely aroused by the chaos, Mr. CZ backpedaled by blaming his poor judgement on his Evil Counsel and more specifically, on infamous enemy of Bitcoin, Jihan Wu. In a moment of surprise to our reporters, the Crypto community forwent a moment to make fun of Jihan’s height to keep their autistic rage pointed at CZ, the one person who’s orchestrated pump exchange has most likely made them enough money to now have the time to complain online. Bitcoin Cash and even its pygmy half-cousin BSV pumped on the news. When we asked Mr. Wu for comment he simply said, “Roll back your mother if you want roll back (sic.)”
Our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille saw this hack as an opportunity to open up a short on Bitcoin and was immediately liquidated alongside thousands of poor souls when Bitcoin pumped for no reason whatsoever on bad news. When we listened closely we heard the words “Yessss! Volitility!” moaned far off in the distance towards
Wakanda The Seychelles. We are sure there is a certain derivatives exchange CEO somewhere out there who is very happy with all the news.
We here at Coin Jazeera are watching to see if the community will forgive the battered CZ, and more importantly, if his Asian parents will ever let him live down the only mistake he’s ever made in his entire life.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.