Binance Chain is my Trojan Horse to conquer Ethereum.Changpang Zhao
Founder of Binance
Chinese-Canadian Folk Hero
If you thought retail investors learned their lesson after losing everything in the 2018 collapse of ICO Ponzi schemes and Crypto scams, then you don’t know how dumb people really are.
Respected and well venerated Shitcoin Casino kingpin Changpang Zhao, also known as “CZ”, of the notorious Binance exchange, is back and he is well underway with his master plan to make scams great again and screw investors one last time before sailing off into the sunset.
“This is my last chance to make a boatload of cash before regulators finally crack down and turn Binance into another REKT exchange like Coinbase,” Mr. CZ told our reporters while wearing what he called “Bermuda Shorts,” tight underwear that the British Army somehow convinced the Bank of Bermuda to adopt as their dress code.
Coin Jazeera was determined to uncover the motives behind CZ’s scam renaissance and his dastardly plan.
Our reporters learned that the reason behind Binance’s unrivaled success in the Shitcoin Age of 2017 was through a mastery of the art of regulatory arbitrage. Regulatory arbitrage involves capitalizing on regulatory loopholes in order to circumvent unfavorable regulation. While US Crypto exchanges such as Coinbase, Kraken, and Gemini, and even more legitimate ones including Poloniex and Bittrex were bent over and mercilessly gangbanged by FinCen, the IRS, and the SEC; Binance fled both Hong Kong and Japan and geographically relocated to the cliché island country of Malta. This allowed the company to avoid unfavorable regulations that would harm the customer experience, such as KYC checks for US customers that prevent popular features such as money laundering, market manipulation, and tax evasion. Binance customers would now be free to steal money with popular trading tactics including pump and dumps, price fixing, spoofing, front-running, and wash trading.
This wasn’t enough success for CZ and we have since discovered that Binance has been using the lessons learned from the last bull cycle to recreate the ICO mania of 2017 to pump and dump shitcoins yet again.
In a stroke of machiavellian brilliance, Binance has repackaged the notorious money laundering tool, the Initial Coin Offering (ICO), as the new and improved Initial Exchange Offering (IEO). A move so iconically evil that it ranks up there with Apple selling millions of new iPhones after removing the headphone jack in 2016.
An IEO is when a morally ambiguous overseas exchange does a token sale, decentralizes investors money into their own coffers, and then immediately lists the token on their own platform. It is a revised form of the ICO financial product that solves the regulatory problems around selling unregistered securities to non-accredited investors. The IEO also guarantees an immediate top exchange listing upon launch of the coin. This is Chinese copy-and-improve at its best.
The first token to IEO on the Binance Exchange was via its Launchpad Platform, an all-in-one coin incubator program that ensures CZ can vertically integrate the entire scam creation product cycle into his own hands. The chosen coin was BitTorrent’s BTT token, which CZ heralded as “The future of paid pirating.” Our reporters pointed out that this was an oxymoron and CZ told them that they were too smart to be Binance customers.
CZ is well liked amongst the Triad because he allows people like me to break the law and also enables degenerate gamblers to make money from massive opportunities like TRON.Justin Sun
CZ’s Adopted Son
On a hot tip, we sent our veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille into the deepest parts of China to learn more about IEOs. After thorough investigative research he concluded the truth about IEOs: they are only popular in Asian markets, they’re dominated by Chinese clickfarms, there is no real distribution, and Binance hires liquidity providers to pump IEO listings so that they can dump on retail investors.
When questioned about his IEO strategy, CZ told Coin Jazeera “I regret nothing. Changing the ICO “C” to an “E” was revolutionary because it enabled me to fool idiot investors and get shitcoin gamblers excited again.” He continued, “But this is only the first piece of my master plan before I retire to become a mentor to the children like my uncle Jack Ma.”
Coin Jazeera was quick to learn that the “IEO Boom” as Mr. CZ called it, had already skyrocketed the price of Binance’s own BNB token to a whopping $25. BNB tokens are equivalent to poker chips in the Binance casino. Research showed us that CZ stands to benefit the most from this price increase because he owns the majority of the token supply. Uneducated investors, fooled by the burn mechanism of BNB tokens, think they are getting some kind of equity or dividend when in reality they are not. These same users are also fooled into believing that Binance is doing token buybacks when they are really just burning their own token supply.
Coin Jazeera has uncovered the unfortunate truth that Mr. Zhao’s BNB token is just a Ponzi scheme being pumped by token burns and hopeful peasants using it to gamble on shitcoins.
We interviewed former somebody Vitalik Buterin from Bangkok, and asked him his thoughts on Binance Chain. “If a project wants to list their token on Binance and do an IEO, CZ requires them to make a generous “donation” to his charity as well as create their token on Binance Chain instead of Ethereum. They are forcing tokens with liquidity of less than $1 Million to switch from Ethereum to Binance Chain or else they will be delisted. Binance Chain is where shitcoins go to pump and dump one last time before they die. If he wants the scams, he can have them. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve recently discovered sex and I’d like to get back to that.”
We couldn’t help but notice a similarity in CZ’s strategy to another familiar coin: Polkadot. When pressed, he reassured the public that he was not creating an Ethereum competitor. However, when our reporters went to the bathroom to take a dump after eating some bad Chinese food that the Binance office catered for reporters, we overheard CZ speaking with Justin Sun while urinating. We also thought it was weird that there were six open urinals but they took the ones right next to each other.
“These Gweilos don’t realize Binance Chain is my Trojan Horse to conquer Ethereum. We used a forked version of Tendermint that removed smart contracts to calm the community. What they don’t realize is that my evil plan is to add smart contracts back in the future after we force enough tokens to migrate. When this happens I will recreate 2017 all over again, but this time I will make ALL the money! Get ready for the Changpang Gangbang,” he laughed as he walked out of the restroom without washing his hands.
It was beginning to make sense to our reporters. Could CZ be doing all of this out of pure jealousy that he didn’t make ALL the money in 2017?
This epiphany hit us like a ton of bricks. We had figured out CZ’s final scam. It was to centralize the blockchain industry around himself. Controlling IEO’s, BNB token, Binance Chain, and Binance DEX, would make himself a God.
We realized this was the ultimate Endgame. The Changpang Gangbang.
Before we left the Binance offices our Coin Jazeera reporters confronted CZ with this shocking revelation.
“Yes, you caught me.” he sighed. “My final plan is indeed this. We first had the ICO, then we had the IEO, and finally we will have the CZO, The Changpang Zhao Offering. My plan is to centralize the blockchain industry around myself, and then the world. Malta will turn into the most powerful nation in the universe.” When we asked why, why would he take advantage of humanity like this, he responded, “Because for years in my youth I was the fry bitch at McDonald’s. I told them that one day I would run a magical fantasy coin laundering service for the whole world but they didn’t believe me. They told me to focus on the potatoes. Now everything looks like a potato. And potatoes need to be scrubbed. Who’s McCuckin’ it now, bitch?”
We left the offices shocked and confused. We immediately went to the SEC to try and stop him from taking over the world but they only fined him $250,000 and asked him politely to stop. There was nothing else we could do.
Coin Jazeera must disclose that we now own BNB token and are minority shareholders in an IEO clickfarm in China for legal reasons.
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.