Arthur Hayes, CEO of BitMEX, the popular international exchange best known for being extremely difficult for US Investors to use, was recently investigated by the United States Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) for “shining too hard.”
“They’re just jealous haters,” said the venerated business executive and Coin Jazeera’s lead investor. “They can’t stand to see a successful expat from the U.S. become a Billionaire in Africa and actually get away with not paying taxes. This ain’t no Wesley Snipes shit,” he continued.
All of this is hot off the back of the infamous “Tangle in Taipei,” an all-holds-barred debate between Arthur Hayes and the most famous hater of them all, Mr. Nouriel Roubini, aka “Dr. Buffoon,” notorious for being historically wrong about Crypto since $58 per Bitcoin.
After Mr. Hayes knocked Roubini out with his historic first-round K.O. argument “Don’t matter, already rich,” Mr. Roubini took to the mean Twitter streets to spew his vile hate speech claiming that Arthur deserved to be locked up behind bars and stripped of all his shine.
Arthur tweeted back an appropriate “Nouriel Roubini, why you such a meanie?” which was the straw that broke the bitter Iranian weenie’s back. After putting down his panini, Roubini called the principles office at the CFTC from his illegal hot tub and complained that the charismatic billionaire playboy and black Bruce Wayne had made more money than him. The CFTC quickly audited the BitMEX offices in the Seychelles to determine whether or not they were allowing U.S. users on their platform, creating a minor annoyance for Mr. Hayes who was peeved at the “Old white men trying to keep the black man down.”
When asked for a comment on the accusations by our reporters, Mr. Hayes responded, “Do I look stupid to you? We have state of the art KYC at BitMEX. It’s called the Honesty Test. When you sign up, we ask you whether or not you’re from the U.S. and we even check your IP address to make sure you’re not lying. It’s the latest in identity verification.” When asked again what happens when a user uses a VPN he responded, “What’s that?”
Our reporters are convinced that Mr. Hayes has done everything in his power to run a legitimate and unassailable organization far away from the reaches of any hopeful United States schmo who has an itchy trigger finger and wants to make it big in the leverage game.
UPDATE 07/20/19: Nouriel Roubini has since been investigated by the CFTC for market manipulation after it was discovered that he had an open short on BitMEX this whole time while calling the Crypto industry a “toxic shitcoin cesspool dirtier than the water in my hot tub.”
This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only